'nyways I've been struggling...again. It's crazy how I only seem to learn when I'm broken. I wish it was easier. I wish God didn't have to break us for us to notice his beauty, power, majesty etc. I wish life would work how I think it should work but that's not how it is. I'm powerless, weak and even through that I'm beloved.
It's hard for me to grasp that last part. Beloved. I've talked through this with several people and God and I guess it comes down the that part of me back in the history of my life (long history that it is har har) when I decided to shun anything that resembled weakness. That included beauty, feminity, tears, letting people in, living in reality etc etc etc. So now I'm left a broken mess, years later, trying to put all those things back together. Trying to embrace being feminine, beautiful and loved.
So I'm learning. I'm learning to cry in front of people again (I've been commanded to not hide the next time I feel like tears are coming). I'm learning that though I'm not perfect and who I think I should be that is not a reason to stand still in my spirituality and crumble. It's a reason to move forward. To kick that damned Satan Jerk in the mouth and march on.
So in the midst of all this learning I've been shown lots of beautiful things. One being Psalm 139. I love it and right now I'm centering myself on it. For a week and hopefully it gets through my thick skull that I'm loved by the maker of the universe.
And the second is Flyleaf's songs. One of them is the song that's the title above. It goes like this:
"Close your eyes little girl, you're a princess now. You own this world twirling in your twirly dress. You're the loveliest far above the rest. You build your castles in the skies, stars reflecting off your eyes and angels sing on silver clouds. And no one cries, screams, or shouts. Oh set apart this dream. Oh set apart this dream for me. Set apart this dream for me. Close your eyes pretty girl cause its easier when you brace yourself. Set your thoughts on a world far off where we only cry from joy...Oh lovely and beautiful precious and priceless you're so much more than you know. Heart of the purest gold. Pure clean and white as snow. Clothed in such splendor. Oh what a beauty for me..."I want that mindset. I'm striving for it. The other song is a promise in all the trials right now I will heal.
"The sun will set on this my dear. Your labors aren't in vain. You're blistered and you're burned from it. Your wounds are gonna heal."It kind of reflects the idea in James 1:12. That if you are steadfast you will be rewarded by the king that loves us. It's such a comfort. And I'm not alone. I have so many amazing people coming alongside me in this. One such person, Erin, gave me verses to decorate and put in my room. Now they are all over my room. It's weird to wake up and the first things I see are the words "You are beautiful."
My room view one - notice the verses by the door and on either side of my poster
My view when I wake up.