Discipline

Sorry for the hiatus.  Its been a tough few weeks/month.

Basically every insecurity I have ever had has been brought back up again in the MPD process.  The refiner's fire, right?  And so in this I've had to rely on God for my strength and my perseverance. It's hard because in these times I feel like I'm failing in every aspect.  I feel like I need to try harder and when that doesn't work I get down on myself.  It's a normally a sick cycle that I can get out of but with MPD, it has proven tougher.  Mostly because this process doesn't rely on how hard I work.  I have to work hard and call people but even when I do sometimes I won't get results.  It's not an easy process for a goal driven person like myself.  Or anyone for that matter.

During the follow-up conference I went to in Michigan probably one of the coolest things I discovered was a passage in Hebrews that I was led to while doing a journal entry for my New Testament Survey class. And that is Hebrews 12:7-13:

"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees,and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

We endure for discipline.  That we may have fruit of righteousness spring up out of this situation.  Even though, I am frustrated and tired of this whole process it is God ordained and someday...probably many years from now, I will look back at this time and think "Wow, I learned a lot."  But most importantly I am learning not just to endure this time but to live life in it.  I think so often we just think we have to endure, push through and God will give us an MPD badge at the end of it.  We are being disciplined but we must also learn to live in this disciplined life style.  Understand why things are happening but look for the blessing and beauty that is happening around us as well.

In the midst of this time, I have had sweet time with friends in Bowling Green and friends from Columbia that have moved away. I have heard really encouraging words with friends, support coaches, and future co-workers near and far. I have a super supportive family. I have a caring group of friends going through the exact same thing I am.  I have realized that even if you ask for big things, those things may not be what God has planned and it's just a lesson of waiting in this season of my life.

So I am thankful for this time.  I know I will look back on it someday and go "wow" both out of the thought why did I handle things that way but also out of how much I've changed.  I am thankful for how God has prepared me for this with the people he's put into my life as my team of encouragement as well as the people who have joined my team already.

The most important part of discipline is to not be negative but instead be thankful.  So in this holiday season of thanksgiving, I will be thankful for discipline.

Family Reunited (and it feels so good)

Every time I hear that word "reunited" the song pops into my head.

HA! Anyways, I just wanted to type up a quick post about my trip I took a few days ago because I need to share it.

So before I start this a quick briefing of my family situation.  Since I was 3 I've only had one set of grandparents.  When I was younger I had a lot of time and visits with my extended family which has been my uncle and 3 cousins on my dad's side and my aunt and 1 cousin on my mom's side (later it would be 3 cousins on that side).  Well time and lots of circumstances made it so in recent years it was usually just my immediate family (and grandparents).  So over the years I've taken up facebook stalking my cousins.  I'm good at it.  5 years ago I had a chance to reconnect with the one cousin that I knew the best on my mom's side at an anime convention (go ahead and laugh).  He was 23 and I was 17 so it was a good time but we both kind of had our own agendas. It was also the last time my mom and her sister got together and I got to see my two youngest cousins.  End basic background story.

So a year ago (or so) I found out my cousin (one mentioned in the background story) was engaged.  Pumped!  He's a good guy and we've tried to actually keep in touch with each other over the past five years (instead of me just stalking).  I got several texts asking our address and saying that he would love us to come to his wedding.  The timing of his wedding was perfect. So I pushed for this to happen.  I told my brother about it and he got psyched because he hadn't seen my cousin since my brother was 5, meaning he hadn't really ever met the two youngest cousins.  So the roadtrip was set (and for all my NST friends - yes I got it okayed by my support coach).

So the road trip comes and surprisingly the 10 hour drive was not bad.  At the wedding the first person we see is my cousin and he just hugs us all.  He was beaming.  It set the tone for the whole night.  My mom found her sister and we sat with her in the front.  It was fun to see my mom in a role I hadn't seen her in in a long time, that of a sister.  We sat with my aunt and cousins (not including the bride and groom) at the reception and caught up. To talk about what we were all feeling would be impossible.  But I was just so joyful to see him again, to actually meet my younger cousins again, to meet his wife.  And of course it was his wedding day and you're supposed to be happy on your wedding day but there was just so much happiness I couldn't really get over it.  It (to me) was a like a forging of a new family and a reunion of old.

And now we're left with an important step, follow-up.  I realize this is a term I usually use in context of what I do with the Jesus Film, to make sure people get plugged in and don't just have a one time experience and never grow in it.  But that is how I felt about this event.  We got connected to each other.  But we did that 5 years ago and nothing became of it except my cousin and I talked a bit more.  But now we promised to make trips, to not lose contact.  And I think we have a chance.

So that was my trip. For those who saw my facebook statuses and tweets you now have a small snapshot into why I posted them.  It is a memory I'm glad I have and I pray it won't be the last.

Left to right: Brother, Cousins, Bride and Groom, Aunt, Mom and Me.

Hope

For a few moments I contemplated a cooler post title than just... hope. Hope seems cliche, trite, minimal when you just put it by itself. I felt the need for embellishment in a blog post just I would feel the need in every day life.

The truth is hope is powerful. Just a me inkling can change a person, a nation, or a world. A hope for freedom. A hope for meaning. A hope for a relationship and life with the one true God. But after that first sprout of hope I feel like faith is the bonds that grow that hope. So in a way, in everyday life hope is strong by itself but it requires the two other attributes mentioned with it in 1 Corinthians 13:13. Without one another there is a missing piece.


This is a triptych of art of the three mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:13 found on Etsy. Hint: I would love this for my future apartment.

Well as I mentioned in my "Radio Silence" post I cut off communication with God for a few weeks. And just when I start it up again it's like "Finally! You're listening to me!" And there...flooded hope. Don't forget hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Sunday during the High School's Sunday night "Ignition" my friend Justin spoke of hope. Spoke of beating discouragement. What hope means in our lives and what it can look like. He spoke of Nehemiah. How he had hope to return to Jerusalem and rebuild the wall.

Nehemiah is my hero in a way. He wasn't what you would expect of a man to rebuild a wall. He was a cup bearer. He was in a fairly well off position in all of Persia. He used that position to talk candidly (or as candidly as you can) to the king of Persia. And he placed himself at these burned down destroyed walls. We talked of Nehemiah at New Staff Training when we were learning how to support raise. He was our example. He had a calling. As I have a calling. And he gathered people under this calling to achieve something great. As I am to do with support. Nehemiah said "Let us rise up and build!" and they "strengthened their hands for the good work." Before Justin spoke on Sunday I was feeling discouraged. Discouraged at having weekly kick in the butt meeting with my coach(es). Discouraged that not only do I have friends who want to support me but financially can't but there are faithful friends who are not led to be part of my team. And I respect both. So hearing about hope and about Nehemiah brought hope back into my life. Especially now, reading back over it it says that Nehemiah went down to the wall with a "few men." Not all of my 100+ contacts will join me. Only a few. And I rejoice in those few because they will "strengthen their hands for the good work" with me.

God was probably glad that I finally was paying attention but just paying attention isn't enough for God...ever. So the next day as I was working on my New Testament Survey hope appeared again. This time in the words of Dr. Gary Stanley talking about 1 and 2 Thessalonians. Paul uses the "Coming of the Day of Lord" to inspire the baby Thessalonian church. They were in the middle of persecution and had the faith but needed the hope to continue as they were. So as Dr. Stanley presents it, that was the main reason for Paul to bring that up to this new church multiple times. Dr. Stanley even talked about the same experiment as Justin had talked about the night before where hope was given to mice by giving them relief from swimming and they swam for way longer than those not given a break/hope. Hope is given to inspire and to give us a breather. The Thessalonian needed hope to continue in the time of persecution. The mice/rats in the experiment needed a breather to keep swimming in hopes another break would come along. Everytime I have a person excited to meet with me that is hope. That is a break.

So in the midst of minor God given discouragement there is even more hope around me. I can't dwell on the discouragement. That only breeds more discouragement. Getting into the word is a way to reboot that hope. And sometimes repetition of a theme does the same. Because sometimes just paying attention is enough.

Oh! And to add to it, Dylan just posted a sermon on hope through grace. Have yet to listen to it but I know it'll speak to me. Because it seems we all need to learn a little more about hope.

Radio Silence

Blog world I'm back.

I got back from NST in Fort Collins over a month ago. Wow. That's weird. My first week was a strange mixture of recovering from being around 200+ people and the pain of losing a physical community. My second week was a battle of rest vs am I working hard enough. Last few weeks? Motivation. But that has been a constant struggle. If you know me you know this to be true.

So right now prayer is vastly important. And I stand firm on the knowledge that many people are praying for me. But then I look at my own prayer life...and to be honest it has taken a blow. Part of it is me trying to form this MPD schedule. And as I form it I look at the report I have to form at the end of the week and that's what takes precedence. And I realize prayer and journaling needs to be put on there. I look at my journal that I haven't taken the time to write in, in almost two weeks. Something has happened. Part of it is a schedule that even though the whole purpose of support raising is about God I have seemingly removed him from that part of my day job. And when I do have time that I'm not actively doing something for support raising I haven't spent that time with God. Even today I spent most of my time listening to music and thinking. Time has slipped by me. I have to go pick up a friend's child at 3. I have an appointment at 6:30. And I sit. Not necessarily in prayer. Not journaling. Sitting. I'm now hitting myself over the head. How have I spent the last 4 hours? And then I realize that this is the trap I fall into at home.

Home is wonderful but especially right now while everyone that I used to have around me here is gone...or in school, a new season of heart loneliness is upon me. And that's where the radio silence trap falls in. Radio silence is technically when all communication is shut down for safety or security reasons. My heart has decided that MPD is a safety and security reason. So I did the dumbest thing I could do. I shut down all normal communication with God. We've still communicated but in roundabout God yelling at me kind of ways. And now this season of loneliness is upon me. And FINALLY after over a month I have decided to end the radio silence.

First by accepting a truth: waiting is good. This verse (while out of context) has been particularly impactful in the past day:

"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you..." 2 Peter 3:8-9

We are called beloved. Peter is writing to all the churches as a final farewell discourse to encourage them. And using that word beloved, has always be encouraging to me. One thing that is daunting about these verses is the whole a thousand years = a day thing. Please let it not take a thousand years for all of my MPD come in. But it feels like it...and that's where verse 9 is awesome (to me at least). The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness. As I count slowness. If I had my way I'd be in Orlando this very second. Not on my couch...in my PJs at 2pm. In this verse the promise is of Jesus' return but I believe this is also true of the promise of my calling. I believe this is where I am supposed to be...right now. So I will take a deep breath and count on God's timing and not mine.
Second by accepting that even in the "I have to do at least 35 hours of MPD a week" those 35-40 hours include journaling...refreshment...spiritual breathing. I can't take God out of Ministry Partner Development...because then who would the ministry be for?

So there...radio silence over. And if you're reading this and want to keep me accountable. Do so. In this season of loneliness I need as much accountability as possible. Or I'll spend another afternoon sitting in my PJs until 2pm.

Taste and See

Psalm 34:8

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

This past week as been a crazy ride.
I went to Rocky Mountain National Park last weekend. It was so awesome to see the HUGEness of God out there. I especially felt it standing next to a waterfall that I almost fell into.

Fourth of July rolled around and most of it was spent studying for our final for Intro to Christian Theology. Mind you when I say most of it I mean...3 hours. Then we headed to Fort Collins City Park with a group of funny and cool people and we waited for some fireworks. We sang "A Whole New World" and found Waldo. The fireworks were pretty good. and we ended the night shortly after so we could wake up for our test.

Our test woke us up a little early. I did well and to celebrate we had some women's time. We went over to Group's head quarters in Loveland, CO. It was gorgeous there and we had a pasta bar and talked about "tasting and seeing" all the blessings of God. This was easy for me at this point. I was close to the mountains, I had good laughs the night before and did well on my final exam. We were given thanks books so that we could jot down whenever we were thankful for the things God has given us. We then painted nails, ate s'mores, and made earrings. It was during the last thing I mentioned that I started to feel some wear. Frustration and impatience bubbling to the surface.

The next day was the day I was kind of dreading the whole time. Finances. Well, in short, I was frustrated anxious and overwhelmed. Through the course of the evening, and encouraging conversations with my parents, I was able to come to peace with the whole situation after much tears and some creative planning from my Dad. Lifegroup wrapped up the day with talking about how "total dependence doesn't happen without weakness." And if you know me, you know I hate hate HATE weakness. It was great to talk it out with those women and be vulnerable to people I got to know so deeply so quickly. Well as I was thinking about this day today I looked back to Psalm 34 where the whole "tasting and seeing" idea came up. It states before verse 8 that:

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them."

I smile reading this again because I know that in my humanness I abandoned the idea of how big my God is and didn't seek him when I was fearful. But here it says that God delivered David from his fears. He can hear me too. He can deliver, save me, and encamp around me. I think my favorite part of this is when it says that those who look to him are radiant. I want to be radiant. I want to seek the Lord first when I freak out instead of let the idea of money crush me (that is always the topic that causes me to freak out the most btw - so if you ever want to scare me bring it up.)

And finally yesterday, I realized that all this time with people is fun and stimulating, I hadn't had time to just be (by myself) in a while. That's where the earlier frustration was bubbling from. So I watched a movie and returned to this. "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." I was so busy trying to taste and see God that I forgot to take refuge entirely.

So I'm to the weekend again. I'm making conscious steps to take me time and Jesus time while not isolating myself. It's a fragile balance but a good one to rebuild. And all this so that I can taste, see, and seek refuge in God and enjoy the creation and happening around me.

It's crazy how one verse can reflect a whole week.

Challenging thoughts, rafting, and free coffee

So...I've been here two weeks.

Only three more days of classes. And less than two weeks away from support training.

The last 1.5 weeks of class have challenged me in lots of ways. I enjoy my bible study methods class, I'm learning a lot about myself and ways to communicate the gospel. Which is a blessing...because if you couldn't tell I'm a poor communicator, never mind communicating the gospel. My intro to theology class has challenged a lot of my ideas I had about the bible, the nature of God, and some of the controversies. I have had to wrestle with a lot of things. What do I hold with an open hand, what do I have my fists wrapped tightly around. Mind you, I am not easily blindly accepting everything. I using my college critical thinking skills and weighing these ideas against who I am and bringing them to God in prayer. These aren't major doctrine issues...just opinions and "persuasions" I have. So that's been a real learning process.

So has being around people who have different study habits than me. I write ideas down and I don't dwell on them. So while people are freaking out about a paper about the attributes of God...I'm reading, journaling/talking to God, watching a movie, or finding other free people to hang with(in tonight's case I went for coffee and ended up on a half hour long bike ride around campus). But I have been spending a lot of time in the coffee shop, CCCI provides, downing free coffee (which I'm drinking right now), providing laughs and my insights on the homework. So that's been some sweet time.

This past weekend I went downtown a lot. I went by myself on Bohemia Night and listened to some "psychedelic" blue grass which I loved. I journaled and found my new favorite coffee shop. The next time I went out for ice cream with a bunch of people from New Staff Training. That was funny. A lot of moments where a bunch of twenty somethings behaved like children. And a Kentucky based punk band of teenagers. The next night I went and had some good Asian influenced cuisine (not quite authentic thai curry - but oh well). I realized Fort Collins' active nights are Thursday and Friday. Saturday is basically dead...which is weird to me.

Saturday morning I went white water rafting! It was awesome. We named our group "Paul's Poudre Paddling Pirate Possy." Paul was our guide...and he had something against me. He tried to pull me out of the raft into the water, he had everyone high five my helmet, and he called me a redneck because I'm from Missouri. But it was fun and I definitely want to go again.

Me and my roommate, Amy.

Unfortunately I didn't get many pictures because my little camera died on me. :(

This weekend I'm going on a prayer walk through Estes Park. I'm so pumped to further enjoy the awesome creation that God has put me in the middle of.

Oh and some good news! I'm so close to my NST goal for support. But keep praying! I want to be at the baseline when I start my "real" support.

Just a little reminder

So I just found this on my camera. Hope this makes you smile if you're a cru woman. And if you're not I'm sure these attributes apply to you too. So take heart that people see these things in you even when you don't.

And if you're not a woman...sorry.

Hello from New Staff Training!

So I have been here in Fort Collins, CO for over a week.

First off: the weather is GORGEOUS. I am continually amazed by this blessing everyday when I walk outside.

My drive here was long and complete with a few time stressors but it all worked for the best, because as always God provides. And in this case (like He had in new places before) He provided people in my way who are so awesome and sweet to my soul.

My first week was fun and encouraging. I felt close to my calling and encouraged in it. We talked about the history of the organization and the doubts that come along. All of those tops were fascinating and extremely helpful.

The weekend rolled along and I flew home to go to my dear friend Dianna's wedding. The flight to Missouri was rough. I realized that (once again) that I'm not on the level I wish to be and some realizations of the teachings I had just heard that day were flung in my face. I had to take a deep breath and confront the day. And the day was gorgeous and I was so privileged to be included. The best part was bonding with the women of the bridal party and being a part of such a significant event in someone dear's life. I'm so excited to see what happens in her and DJ's marriage and their ministry through their marriage.

And then I returned. A lot of doubts sprung on me when I returned. Would I be able to fit back in? Had I missed vital information (they leave the weekends open - so of course not)? Was this still the right place for me? All of these doubts were wiped away and I sprang back into routine. With a few kinks thrown in because I left my meal card, key and pass key at home in Missouri. For the lack of patience I had for that flight to Missouri, God gave me an abundance in dealing with that situation. It wore on the third day but I made it through without getting mad at any rude dining staff! That's an accomplishment. Especially with how mad I was just a few days earlier.

Classes began this week and the tension was suddenly turned on for new staff. We are learning to balance graduate work loads with Jesus time and fellowship. I am super thankful for my last semester of school teaching me how to let go of my perfectionist attributes and letting things flow. Because with out that lesson...I would be a mess here. But thanks also to a work ethic I learned from my mom (work like it's a normal work day) I get done in an orderly time. I have learned so much this week already and I have been thoroughly challenged to sharpen my beliefs. But through all of this I have been trying to be proactive about hanging out with people and as the week is about to end my body and mind just want rest.

Real rest. That's another thing I'm learning. To still have sweet rest with God while taking seminary level classes. There's a part of me who at the end of the day doesn't want to look at the bible after staring at it for homework assignments. But I'm learning to look at it with fresh eyes and just rest in nature as the wind blows sweetly through my window and know that there needs to be a time for study and a time for relationship.

So that's it for now. If you're the praying type please be praying for my support to continue to come in for New Staff Training. And pray for the next week. That we don't get burnt our or let our head sink beneath the water of these work loads. And that we see God's sweetness through out it.

My view from my room

Late Graduation Post

So as you may or may not know I graduated with a BS in Technology almost two weeks ago.

Me. All official.

I'm done with college. How did that happen? I'm officially an adult. (for real this time...that whole turning 18 and turning 21 thing didn't count) So now what?

I've been in BG since graduating and next Tuesday I return to Missouri. I will be there for a few weeks and then I will head out to Colorado for CRU's New Staff Training (or NST for short).

Why? Because I plan to be full time staff for the JESUS Film Project. I will be there for training until mid-July and then I will will be attending their biannual staff conference until July 27. The post Cru stuff plan is vague. The plan is to hang out a bit in Vail with Erica briefly then to return to Missouri just to head out to Arizona and New Mexico to lend some helping hands to the Christian Veterinary Mission's trip to the reservations. And then? Rest. And raising support. Lots of support.

What's support you might ask? Even though I'll be working in the JESUS Film office I will be an acting missionary of sorts. So my moving and living out there requires a ministry team of partners. (most of you will get letters) So be praying for that.

That's the future.

Jacintha, Tommie, Marie, and I.

Here's to these past four years.

Things Done Differently

Tomorrow is my last day of classes...ever. (Most likely)

And a nagging feeling that as been elbowing me in the ribs the last few weeks is that I never got to know the people in my program. I got to know cru people, internationals, and random people along the way. But I never ever tried to get to know the people alongside me in VCT classes. I guess a part of my heart was jaded against the program itself and another part was just being competitive.

But looking back (to an hour and a half ago at my last physical VCT class EVER) I'm sad I didn't take the time to chat with some of them. I wish I could have shared life with more of them.

But in the end...maybe there was a reason for me not investing in that aspect of college. I was called to internationals. I was called to people in the circles of cru.

Now as I finish writing all of this, I realize that I may be sad that I didn't get to know those people at the computers next to me. But then I take comfort that I have invested in many more people, to whom I have impacted. Maybe I wasn't meant for the VCT people. Maybe I just didn't accept that challenge, so I was given many others.

Either way when it comes down to things I would have done differently in my four years here, that may be one of the only ones. And even if there are more, I'm glad I lived as I have. I'm glad for the laughs, the cries, the sarcasm, the stress, the long hours working, the long hours talking, and the many many movies watched.

So heres to things done differently and to the things lived.

My King

This past week I've been discovering how God is truly king of my life. For a little bit I lost sight of the king part of his identity. But he's shown up as king in several cool ways. One was that in my bible study I was reading about Melchizedek and Jesus' identity as priest king. I felt so full of joy at reading that. And then shortly after S.M. Lockeridge's "My King" came on my ipod. Talk about feeling overwhelmed by the king after listening to that.

Here is the transcript:
My King was born King.
The Bible says He’s a Seven Way King.

He’s the King of the Jews – that’s a racial King. He’s the King of Israel – that’s a National King.

He’s the King of righteousness.

He’s the King of the ages.

He’s the King of Heaven.

He’s the King of glory.

He’s the King of kings and He is the Lord of lords.

Now that’s my King.

Well I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him?

Don’t try to mislead me. Do you know my King?

David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament show His handiwork.

My King is the only one whom there are no means of measure can define His limitless love.

No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shore of supplies.

No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

Well, well, He’s enduringly strong. He’s entirely sincere.

He’s eternally steadfast.

He’s immortally graceful.

He’s imperially powerful.

He’s impartially merciful.

That’s my King.

He’s God’s Son.

He’s the sinner’s saviour.

He’s the centrepiece of civilization.

He stands alone in Himself.

He’s august.

He’s unique.

He’s unparalleled.

He’s unprecedented.

He’s supreme.

He’s pre-eminent.

Well, He’s the loftiest idea in literature.

He’s the highest personality in philosophy.

He’s the supreme problem in high criticism.

He’s the fundamental doctrine of proved theology.

He’s the carnal necessity of spiritual religion.

That’s my King. He’s the miracle of the age.

He’s the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him.

Well, He’s the only one able to supply all of our needs simultaneously.

He supplies strength for the weak.

He’s available for the tempted and the tried.

He sympathizes and He saves.

He’s strong God and He guides.

He heals the sick.

He cleanses the lepers.

He forgives sinners.

He discharged debtors.

He delivers the captives.

He defends the feeble.

He blesses the young.

He serves the unfortunate.

He regards the aged.

He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek.

Do you know Him?

Well, my King is the key of knowledge. He’s the wellspring of wisdom.

He’s the doorway of deliverance.

He’s the pathway of peace.

He’s the roadway of righteousness.

He’s the highway of holiness.

He’s the gateway of glory.

He’s the master of the mighty.

He’s the captain of the conquerors.

He’s the head of the heroes.

He’s the leader of the legislatures.

He’s the overseer of the overcomers.

He’s the governor of governors.

He’s the prince of princes.

He’s the King of kings and He’s the Lord of lords.

That’s my King. Yeah. That’s my King. My King.

His office is manifold.

His promise is sure.

His light is matchless.

His goodness is limitless.

His mercy is everlasting.

His love never changes.

His Word is enough.

His grace is sufficient.

His reign is righteous.

His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Well. I wish I could describe Him to you, but He’s indescribable.

He’s indescribable. Yes.

He’s incomprehensible.

He’s invincible.

He’s irresistible.

I’m coming to tell you, the heavens of heavens cannot contain Him, let alone a man explaining Him.

You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hands.

You can’t outlive Him and you can’t live without Him.

Well, Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him.

Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him.

The witnesses couldn’t get their testimonies to agree.

Herod couldn’t kill Him.

Death couldn’t handle Him and the grave couldn’t hold Him.

That’s my King. Yeah.

He always has been and He always will be.

I’m talking about He had no predecessor and He’ll have no successor.

There was nobody before Him and there’ll be nobody after Him.

You cant impeach Him and He’s not going to resign.

That’s my King! That’s my King!

Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory.

Well, all the power belongs to my King.

We’re around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but it’s God’s power.

Thine is the power. And the glory.

We try to get prestige and honour and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His. Yes.

Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory,

forever and ever and ever and ever.

How long is that?

And ever and ever and ever and ever.

And when you get through with all of the forevers, then,

Amen.

Childish

It's 2am...almost and I've been up sending resumes. What is my life?

But as I was typing out the same few paragraphs over email I was thinking how much I wanted to just curl up in a ball, drink hot chocolate, be hugged and watch a disney movie. And then (when I should have been making sure my email was working - which it wasn't) I started to miss being a kid and thinking of funny childhood memories. One of the funniest that came to mind was from right after the movie the Lion King came out. Shortly after watching it, I was lying under the kitchen table (you know cuz that's what most children do). I think my dad was saying something to me, requesting me to do something and I thought it would be a good time to quote something from the movie I had just seen. So out of my mouth popped "I'm surrounded by idiots." I learned fast that quoting Scar was not a good life choice.

I giggled to myself and then noticed that my email hadn't sent the last six emails. To which I realized, I'm not a child. I'm a 22 year old struggling to have faith that no matter what I do is inside God's will. And at that moment Gods will was to send a bajillion resumes to places other than the JESUS Film to have a clear idea of where God wants me. I re-sent the emails and now I'm back at 2am. Tired. And still wishing I could by lying under a table quoting Scar.

Which I may do...later today.

Labels

How is everybody's snowpocalypse?

Mine's slightly anti-climatic. It's funny. It was that whole label thing that built up an expectation for this massive snow that never came. And that got me thinking, as the snow came down yesterday how I put labels on things. I label classes. I label weather. I label people.

But where I find the biggest problem for me is how I label myself. I label myself by my talents so I can get hired, I label myself by what I can't do so I don't get hurt, and I label myself by my sin. I assume as soon as I put this label on myself that God can't overcome it, especially the sin one. But I'm slowly, like as slow as humanly possible, realizing that God can slowly peel off the label or he can rip it off roughly. And the label always seems to be in the softest but hardest to get to place of my heart. The label I put on because of my sin means nothing because he put a label on my heart that can be peeled, torn off, or dissolved. I am his daughter.

So as I sat there in my chair (in the corner of the living room), and stared out at the snow. I inhaled the scent of my coffee and just watched this snowpocalpse roll in and disappoint my expectations. But that's what I do to myself. I roll in on my expectations and disappoint myself. Yet God is sitting there shaking his head. I roll in and meet his expectations. He knows I will sin and fail. And fail again. And again. You get the picture. But he still put the label of daughter on me and he loves me for it. So as I sat there I said out loud all the labels I had put on myself because of my sin. It was hard. They were gross words to admit to myself. But I stared at that white pure snow and said "But I am not these things any more. I am a daughter of Zion." And I repeated it. Until I felt that label becoming as real to my head as it was to my heart. I am not my sin. It is a part of my story but I am not changed in God's eyes because of it.

God says "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." No matter the label I put on myself.

Well Hey 2011

It's 2011, a year that holds graduation, job potentials, weddings, and things I can't even begin to imagine.

I ushered in 2011 with my parents' lifegroup and then with a little Twilight Zone. It was a quiet break filled with family, getting a portfolio ready, hanging with really ridiculous friends, hearing engagement stories from some of those friends, watching modern family with my family, listening to Tron: Legacy and Tangled soundtracks, and lots of reading.

This year has been interesting. I had my final internship. I figured out new ways to cope with hard things. I learned new ways to use my video talents. I lost my grandfather. I learned a little bit more about how deep the Father loves me and my family. And I saw how my friends care and love.

It's been a beautiful year and I'm a better person for it. But I can't wait to see what 2011 holds.

And I finish with this quote:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman