I got back from NST in Fort Collins over a month ago. Wow. That's weird. My first week was a strange mixture of recovering from being around 200+ people and the pain of losing a physical community. My second week was a battle of rest vs am I working hard enough. Last few weeks? Motivation. But that has been a constant struggle. If you know me you know this to be true.
So right now prayer is vastly important. And I stand firm on the knowledge that many people are praying for me. But then I look at my own prayer life...and to be honest it has taken a blow. Part of it is me trying to form this MPD schedule. And as I form it I look at the report I have to form at the end of the week and that's what takes precedence. And I realize prayer and journaling needs to be put on there. I look at my journal that I haven't taken the time to write in, in almost two weeks. Something has happened. Part of it is a schedule that even though the whole purpose of support raising is about God I have seemingly removed him from that part of my day job. And when I do have time that I'm not actively doing something for support raising I haven't spent that time with God. Even today I spent most of my time listening to music and thinking. Time has slipped by me. I have to go pick up a friend's child at 3. I have an appointment at 6:30. And I sit. Not necessarily in prayer. Not journaling. Sitting. I'm now hitting myself over the head. How have I spent the last 4 hours? And then I realize that this is the trap I fall into at home.
Home is wonderful but especially right now while everyone that I used to have around me here is gone...or in school, a new season of heart loneliness is upon me. And that's where the radio silence trap falls in. Radio silence is technically when all communication is shut down for safety or security reasons. My heart has decided that MPD is a safety and security reason. So I did the dumbest thing I could do. I shut down all normal communication with God. We've still communicated but in roundabout God yelling at me kind of ways. And now this season of loneliness is upon me. And FINALLY after over a month I have decided to end the radio silence.
First by accepting a truth: waiting is good. This verse (while out of context) has been particularly impactful in the past day:
"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you..." 2 Peter 3:8-9
We are called beloved. Peter is writing to all the churches as a final farewell discourse to encourage them. And using that word beloved, has always be encouraging to me. One thing that is daunting about these verses is the whole a thousand years = a day thing. Please let it not take a thousand years for all of my MPD come in. But it feels like it...and that's where verse 9 is awesome (to me at least). The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness. As I count slowness. If I had my way I'd be in Orlando this very second. Not on my couch...in my PJs at 2pm. In this verse the promise is of Jesus' return but I believe this is also true of the promise of my calling. I believe this is where I am supposed to be...right now. So I will take a deep breath and count on God's timing and not mine.
Second by accepting that even in the "I have to do at least 35 hours of MPD a week" those 35-40 hours include journaling...refreshment...spiritual breathing. I can't take God out of Ministry Partner Development...because then who would the ministry be for?
So there...radio silence over. And if you're reading this and want to keep me accountable. Do so. In this season of loneliness I need as much accountability as possible. Or I'll spend another afternoon sitting in my PJs until 2pm.
