Radio Silence

Blog world I'm back.

I got back from NST in Fort Collins over a month ago. Wow. That's weird. My first week was a strange mixture of recovering from being around 200+ people and the pain of losing a physical community. My second week was a battle of rest vs am I working hard enough. Last few weeks? Motivation. But that has been a constant struggle. If you know me you know this to be true.

So right now prayer is vastly important. And I stand firm on the knowledge that many people are praying for me. But then I look at my own prayer life...and to be honest it has taken a blow. Part of it is me trying to form this MPD schedule. And as I form it I look at the report I have to form at the end of the week and that's what takes precedence. And I realize prayer and journaling needs to be put on there. I look at my journal that I haven't taken the time to write in, in almost two weeks. Something has happened. Part of it is a schedule that even though the whole purpose of support raising is about God I have seemingly removed him from that part of my day job. And when I do have time that I'm not actively doing something for support raising I haven't spent that time with God. Even today I spent most of my time listening to music and thinking. Time has slipped by me. I have to go pick up a friend's child at 3. I have an appointment at 6:30. And I sit. Not necessarily in prayer. Not journaling. Sitting. I'm now hitting myself over the head. How have I spent the last 4 hours? And then I realize that this is the trap I fall into at home.

Home is wonderful but especially right now while everyone that I used to have around me here is gone...or in school, a new season of heart loneliness is upon me. And that's where the radio silence trap falls in. Radio silence is technically when all communication is shut down for safety or security reasons. My heart has decided that MPD is a safety and security reason. So I did the dumbest thing I could do. I shut down all normal communication with God. We've still communicated but in roundabout God yelling at me kind of ways. And now this season of loneliness is upon me. And FINALLY after over a month I have decided to end the radio silence.

First by accepting a truth: waiting is good. This verse (while out of context) has been particularly impactful in the past day:

"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you..." 2 Peter 3:8-9

We are called beloved. Peter is writing to all the churches as a final farewell discourse to encourage them. And using that word beloved, has always be encouraging to me. One thing that is daunting about these verses is the whole a thousand years = a day thing. Please let it not take a thousand years for all of my MPD come in. But it feels like it...and that's where verse 9 is awesome (to me at least). The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness. As I count slowness. If I had my way I'd be in Orlando this very second. Not on my couch...in my PJs at 2pm. In this verse the promise is of Jesus' return but I believe this is also true of the promise of my calling. I believe this is where I am supposed to be...right now. So I will take a deep breath and count on God's timing and not mine.
Second by accepting that even in the "I have to do at least 35 hours of MPD a week" those 35-40 hours include journaling...refreshment...spiritual breathing. I can't take God out of Ministry Partner Development...because then who would the ministry be for?

So there...radio silence over. And if you're reading this and want to keep me accountable. Do so. In this season of loneliness I need as much accountability as possible. Or I'll spend another afternoon sitting in my PJs until 2pm.

Taste and See

Psalm 34:8

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

This past week as been a crazy ride.
I went to Rocky Mountain National Park last weekend. It was so awesome to see the HUGEness of God out there. I especially felt it standing next to a waterfall that I almost fell into.

Fourth of July rolled around and most of it was spent studying for our final for Intro to Christian Theology. Mind you when I say most of it I mean...3 hours. Then we headed to Fort Collins City Park with a group of funny and cool people and we waited for some fireworks. We sang "A Whole New World" and found Waldo. The fireworks were pretty good. and we ended the night shortly after so we could wake up for our test.

Our test woke us up a little early. I did well and to celebrate we had some women's time. We went over to Group's head quarters in Loveland, CO. It was gorgeous there and we had a pasta bar and talked about "tasting and seeing" all the blessings of God. This was easy for me at this point. I was close to the mountains, I had good laughs the night before and did well on my final exam. We were given thanks books so that we could jot down whenever we were thankful for the things God has given us. We then painted nails, ate s'mores, and made earrings. It was during the last thing I mentioned that I started to feel some wear. Frustration and impatience bubbling to the surface.

The next day was the day I was kind of dreading the whole time. Finances. Well, in short, I was frustrated anxious and overwhelmed. Through the course of the evening, and encouraging conversations with my parents, I was able to come to peace with the whole situation after much tears and some creative planning from my Dad. Lifegroup wrapped up the day with talking about how "total dependence doesn't happen without weakness." And if you know me, you know I hate hate HATE weakness. It was great to talk it out with those women and be vulnerable to people I got to know so deeply so quickly. Well as I was thinking about this day today I looked back to Psalm 34 where the whole "tasting and seeing" idea came up. It states before verse 8 that:

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them."

I smile reading this again because I know that in my humanness I abandoned the idea of how big my God is and didn't seek him when I was fearful. But here it says that God delivered David from his fears. He can hear me too. He can deliver, save me, and encamp around me. I think my favorite part of this is when it says that those who look to him are radiant. I want to be radiant. I want to seek the Lord first when I freak out instead of let the idea of money crush me (that is always the topic that causes me to freak out the most btw - so if you ever want to scare me bring it up.)

And finally yesterday, I realized that all this time with people is fun and stimulating, I hadn't had time to just be (by myself) in a while. That's where the earlier frustration was bubbling from. So I watched a movie and returned to this. "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." I was so busy trying to taste and see God that I forgot to take refuge entirely.

So I'm to the weekend again. I'm making conscious steps to take me time and Jesus time while not isolating myself. It's a fragile balance but a good one to rebuild. And all this so that I can taste, see, and seek refuge in God and enjoy the creation and happening around me.

It's crazy how one verse can reflect a whole week.

Challenging thoughts, rafting, and free coffee

So...I've been here two weeks.

Only three more days of classes. And less than two weeks away from support training.

The last 1.5 weeks of class have challenged me in lots of ways. I enjoy my bible study methods class, I'm learning a lot about myself and ways to communicate the gospel. Which is a blessing...because if you couldn't tell I'm a poor communicator, never mind communicating the gospel. My intro to theology class has challenged a lot of my ideas I had about the bible, the nature of God, and some of the controversies. I have had to wrestle with a lot of things. What do I hold with an open hand, what do I have my fists wrapped tightly around. Mind you, I am not easily blindly accepting everything. I using my college critical thinking skills and weighing these ideas against who I am and bringing them to God in prayer. These aren't major doctrine issues...just opinions and "persuasions" I have. So that's been a real learning process.

So has being around people who have different study habits than me. I write ideas down and I don't dwell on them. So while people are freaking out about a paper about the attributes of God...I'm reading, journaling/talking to God, watching a movie, or finding other free people to hang with(in tonight's case I went for coffee and ended up on a half hour long bike ride around campus). But I have been spending a lot of time in the coffee shop, CCCI provides, downing free coffee (which I'm drinking right now), providing laughs and my insights on the homework. So that's been some sweet time.

This past weekend I went downtown a lot. I went by myself on Bohemia Night and listened to some "psychedelic" blue grass which I loved. I journaled and found my new favorite coffee shop. The next time I went out for ice cream with a bunch of people from New Staff Training. That was funny. A lot of moments where a bunch of twenty somethings behaved like children. And a Kentucky based punk band of teenagers. The next night I went and had some good Asian influenced cuisine (not quite authentic thai curry - but oh well). I realized Fort Collins' active nights are Thursday and Friday. Saturday is basically dead...which is weird to me.

Saturday morning I went white water rafting! It was awesome. We named our group "Paul's Poudre Paddling Pirate Possy." Paul was our guide...and he had something against me. He tried to pull me out of the raft into the water, he had everyone high five my helmet, and he called me a redneck because I'm from Missouri. But it was fun and I definitely want to go again.

Me and my roommate, Amy.

Unfortunately I didn't get many pictures because my little camera died on me. :(

This weekend I'm going on a prayer walk through Estes Park. I'm so pumped to further enjoy the awesome creation that God has put me in the middle of.

Oh and some good news! I'm so close to my NST goal for support. But keep praying! I want to be at the baseline when I start my "real" support.

Just a little reminder

So I just found this on my camera. Hope this makes you smile if you're a cru woman. And if you're not I'm sure these attributes apply to you too. So take heart that people see these things in you even when you don't.

And if you're not a woman...sorry.

Hello from New Staff Training!

So I have been here in Fort Collins, CO for over a week.

First off: the weather is GORGEOUS. I am continually amazed by this blessing everyday when I walk outside.

My drive here was long and complete with a few time stressors but it all worked for the best, because as always God provides. And in this case (like He had in new places before) He provided people in my way who are so awesome and sweet to my soul.

My first week was fun and encouraging. I felt close to my calling and encouraged in it. We talked about the history of the organization and the doubts that come along. All of those tops were fascinating and extremely helpful.

The weekend rolled along and I flew home to go to my dear friend Dianna's wedding. The flight to Missouri was rough. I realized that (once again) that I'm not on the level I wish to be and some realizations of the teachings I had just heard that day were flung in my face. I had to take a deep breath and confront the day. And the day was gorgeous and I was so privileged to be included. The best part was bonding with the women of the bridal party and being a part of such a significant event in someone dear's life. I'm so excited to see what happens in her and DJ's marriage and their ministry through their marriage.

And then I returned. A lot of doubts sprung on me when I returned. Would I be able to fit back in? Had I missed vital information (they leave the weekends open - so of course not)? Was this still the right place for me? All of these doubts were wiped away and I sprang back into routine. With a few kinks thrown in because I left my meal card, key and pass key at home in Missouri. For the lack of patience I had for that flight to Missouri, God gave me an abundance in dealing with that situation. It wore on the third day but I made it through without getting mad at any rude dining staff! That's an accomplishment. Especially with how mad I was just a few days earlier.

Classes began this week and the tension was suddenly turned on for new staff. We are learning to balance graduate work loads with Jesus time and fellowship. I am super thankful for my last semester of school teaching me how to let go of my perfectionist attributes and letting things flow. Because with out that lesson...I would be a mess here. But thanks also to a work ethic I learned from my mom (work like it's a normal work day) I get done in an orderly time. I have learned so much this week already and I have been thoroughly challenged to sharpen my beliefs. But through all of this I have been trying to be proactive about hanging out with people and as the week is about to end my body and mind just want rest.

Real rest. That's another thing I'm learning. To still have sweet rest with God while taking seminary level classes. There's a part of me who at the end of the day doesn't want to look at the bible after staring at it for homework assignments. But I'm learning to look at it with fresh eyes and just rest in nature as the wind blows sweetly through my window and know that there needs to be a time for study and a time for relationship.

So that's it for now. If you're the praying type please be praying for my support to continue to come in for New Staff Training. And pray for the next week. That we don't get burnt our or let our head sink beneath the water of these work loads. And that we see God's sweetness through out it.

My view from my room

Late Graduation Post

So as you may or may not know I graduated with a BS in Technology almost two weeks ago.

Me. All official.

I'm done with college. How did that happen? I'm officially an adult. (for real this time...that whole turning 18 and turning 21 thing didn't count) So now what?

I've been in BG since graduating and next Tuesday I return to Missouri. I will be there for a few weeks and then I will head out to Colorado for CRU's New Staff Training (or NST for short).

Why? Because I plan to be full time staff for the JESUS Film Project. I will be there for training until mid-July and then I will will be attending their biannual staff conference until July 27. The post Cru stuff plan is vague. The plan is to hang out a bit in Vail with Erica briefly then to return to Missouri just to head out to Arizona and New Mexico to lend some helping hands to the Christian Veterinary Mission's trip to the reservations. And then? Rest. And raising support. Lots of support.

What's support you might ask? Even though I'll be working in the JESUS Film office I will be an acting missionary of sorts. So my moving and living out there requires a ministry team of partners. (most of you will get letters) So be praying for that.

That's the future.

Jacintha, Tommie, Marie, and I.

Here's to these past four years.

Things Done Differently

Tomorrow is my last day of classes...ever. (Most likely)

And a nagging feeling that as been elbowing me in the ribs the last few weeks is that I never got to know the people in my program. I got to know cru people, internationals, and random people along the way. But I never ever tried to get to know the people alongside me in VCT classes. I guess a part of my heart was jaded against the program itself and another part was just being competitive.

But looking back (to an hour and a half ago at my last physical VCT class EVER) I'm sad I didn't take the time to chat with some of them. I wish I could have shared life with more of them.

But in the end...maybe there was a reason for me not investing in that aspect of college. I was called to internationals. I was called to people in the circles of cru.

Now as I finish writing all of this, I realize that I may be sad that I didn't get to know those people at the computers next to me. But then I take comfort that I have invested in many more people, to whom I have impacted. Maybe I wasn't meant for the VCT people. Maybe I just didn't accept that challenge, so I was given many others.

Either way when it comes down to things I would have done differently in my four years here, that may be one of the only ones. And even if there are more, I'm glad I lived as I have. I'm glad for the laughs, the cries, the sarcasm, the stress, the long hours working, the long hours talking, and the many many movies watched.

So heres to things done differently and to the things lived.