Saturday, February 16, 2013

God Found Me Again on Valentine's Day

For this post you'll need some background.

First, I like to notice reoccurring patterns, verses, phrases in my life.  The one that stands out and is relevant for this story are "incline your ear."

Second, the Psalm that God used to pull me back to him when I was in high school.  I barely remember where I was (except that it was at some sort of CIY mini-conference) or anything that happened.  I do remember part of a sermon where he mentioned Psalm 31.  Whoever was talking mentioned the imagery David uses in Psalm 31:
"my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away."
I don't remember why it was mentioned or the rest of what was said.  All I remember is staring at those lines and thinking, "He gets it.  He knows me."  I won't go into why those lines spoke so deeply to my heart at that time but if you want to hear my testimony I encourage you to ask me.  Well the rest of that talk I read Psalm 31 over and over. What resonated wasn't just that imagery of wasting away, distress, and frailty. What resonated was Psalm 31:16:
"Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!"
Through the rest of high school I clung tightly to that verse in Psalm 31.  I still look back at that moment as the beginning of my walk back into a deeper relationship with God. My return to life.

Now flash forward to Valentine's Day 2013.  My first Valentine's in Florida. The day itself was great.  I made chocolate covered strawberries the night before.  I got really sweet cards and gifts from friends, ministry partners, and family.

But that night I just felt the need to confess some fears to God.  So I did.  I spilled it all out into my journal.  I didn't realize how much fear I had been holding in my heart for this whole week.

Whenever I journal I read a segment of scripture.  I alternate between a passage from a current book I'm reading and a psalm.  I have been doing this for almost 4 years.  I have gone through the Psalms almost 3 times.  I don't know how but I didn't register what Psalm I was about to read when I wrote it down in my journal.  Also, at some point I switched my music to Swedish House Mafia's song "Don't You Worry Child" (this is important).  The first thing I know about this Psalm is that verse 2 says "Incline your ear."  I was tuned in.  My patterns were appearing again.  Well I continued through the Psalm.  Got to verse 7 (which somehow I have never noticed before) which says "you have known the distress of my soul." I felt distressed. I felt it so deep into the core of my soul.  I continued to read.  I read those verses that caught my eye in high school and still did not recognize the Psalm.  Instead verse 12 caught my eye, "I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel."  That went right along with the distress of my soul.  The feeling of not belonging.  The feeling of loneliness   The feeling of being a broken vessel that could not hold any part of God.  And then the realization that as David had those scheming against him I had Satan scheming against me.  All those feelings were lies. Ugly ugly lies.  And then the veil lifted.  I read verse 16 and suddenly realized that the whole time I was reading Psalm 31. My Psalm.  The moment I read the word "make" was the moment the first "Don't you worry, don't you worry child. See heaven's got a plan for you" of the song played. I collapsed into sobs.

I don't think I'll forget that moment for a long time.  The specifics may get fuzzy like when I look back at the first time that Psalm came into my life in high school.  But God found me again on Valentine's Day.  He wrapped his big arms around me and reassured me of all the truths I needed to hear.

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