God Found Me Again on Valentine's Day

For this post you'll need some background.

First, I like to notice reoccurring patterns, verses, phrases in my life.  The one that stands out and is relevant for this story are "incline your ear."

Second, the Psalm that God used to pull me back to him when I was in high school.  I barely remember where I was (except that it was at some sort of CIY mini-conference) or anything that happened.  I do remember part of a sermon where he mentioned Psalm 31.  Whoever was talking mentioned the imagery David uses in Psalm 31:

"my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away."

I don't remember why it was mentioned or the rest of what was said.  All I remember is staring at those lines and thinking, "He gets it.  He knows me."  I won't go into why those lines spoke so deeply to my heart at that time but if you want to hear my testimony I encourage you to ask me.  Well the rest of that talk I read Psalm 31 over and over. What resonated wasn't just that imagery of wasting away, distress, and frailty. What resonated was Psalm 31:16:

"Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!"

Through the rest of high school I clung tightly to that verse in Psalm 31.  I still look back at that moment as the beginning of my walk back into a deeper relationship with God. My return to life.

Now flash forward to Valentine's Day 2013.  My first Valentine's in Florida. The day itself was great.  I made chocolate covered strawberries the night before.  I got really sweet cards and gifts from friends, ministry partners, and family.

But that night I just felt the need to confess some fears to God.  So I did.  I spilled it all out into my journal.  I didn't realize how much fear I had been holding in my heart for this whole week.

Whenever I journal I read a segment of scripture.  I alternate between a passage from a current book I'm reading and a psalm.  I have been doing this for almost 4 years.  I have gone through the Psalms almost 3 times.  I don't know how but I didn't register what Psalm I was about to read when I wrote it down in my journal.  Also, at some point I switched my music to Swedish House Mafia's song "Don't You Worry Child" (this is important).  The first thing I know about this Psalm is that verse 2 says "Incline your ear."  I was tuned in.  My patterns were appearing again.  Well I continued through the Psalm.  Got to verse 7 (which somehow I have never noticed before) which says "you have known the distress of my soul." I felt distressed. I felt it so deep into the core of my soul.  I continued to read.  I read those verses that caught my eye in high school and still did not recognize the Psalm.  Instead verse 12 caught my eye, "I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel."  That went right along with the distress of my soul.  The feeling of not belonging.  The feeling of loneliness   The feeling of being a broken vessel that could not hold any part of God.  And then the realization that as David had those scheming against him I had Satan scheming against me.  All those feelings were lies. Ugly ugly lies.  And then the veil lifted.  I read verse 16 and suddenly realized that the whole time I was reading Psalm 31. My Psalm.  The moment I read the word "make" was the moment the first "Don't you worry, don't you worry child. See heaven's got a plan for you" of the song played. I collapsed into sobs.

I don't think I'll forget that moment for a long time.  The specifics may get fuzzy like when I look back at the first time that Psalm came into my life in high school.  But God found me again on Valentine's Day.  He wrapped his big arms around me and reassured me of all the truths I needed to hear.

Strands

In the past two months four people in my life have passed away.

In the past two days three couples in my life have gotten engaged.

I am so blessed that the week that cousin passed away that I got to hear that three couples in my life got engaged.

I've been reminded death and life are two strands of one cord. With life comes death.  In sorrow of death there will always come joy.  In joy of life there will always be sorrow.

Death and life cannot be experienced without the other.  Even Jesus experienced both.  He celebrated with those celebrating a beginning (Marriage at Cana).  He mourned with those mourning an end (Lazarus).  He was born.  He died on a cross for all of our sins.

But Jesus overcame the cord of life.  He rose from the grave.  He ascended into Heaven.  He is the author and perfecter of our faith.  Because he was fully man he experienced the two strands in which our lives are woven.  But He is fully God. We are able to come to him in our joy and our mourning because he overcame it all.  We can be with him in life and in death. He is present in both.

With the four deaths, I praise the Lord for their lives.  For the two men of faith, who lived full quality lives and influenced those around them for the better.  For the two women of faith, that even though their lives were half the length of the men I previously mentioned they got to influence so many people.  In sorrow there is joy.

The Lord Answers

Not in the way I way I want him to mind you.

Today has been rough.  Not the roughest by far but rough. Basically things just keep building upon one another and then toppling over. But I didn't come here to write a blog post about how hard MPD is and how badly I want to give up, even though all those things are true at this moment.  I wanted to just mentionhow God answers.

Last night I went with our high school seniors to the youth group night at one of the ministries on Mizzou's campus.  One thing that was mentioned was not all our thoughts are our own.  That's why we need to take them captive and judge whether they are from us or not.  So when I was getting more and more and more frustrated with how today was going I stopped and thought it through.  And the ones I singled out were the ones telling me to quit.  Which led me to thinking about the whole "curse God and die" thing in Job (a. bad advice b. my thought process can be a little dramatic).

Well just because I isolated the lies in my head didn't mean things got easier.  They got harder (the normal progression of things, really). But I kept coming back to Job. One thing that thinking about Job helped was that he had a harder day than me.  I haven't lost anyone, any property, animals, health, etc. Just patience and a whole lot of energy and optimism.

So I am lamenting my lot in life, "Why did God make this so hard if he called me to this" etc.  Then in pops this thought, you must have done something wrong for God not to make this easy on you. Hold up. That is an exact opinion of one of Job's friends when they're trying to "help" him.  Take every thought captive, remember?

So I pull up Job on my computer (instead of getting a physical bible because mine are all packed) and went to the chapter that starts "The LORD Answers Job." First off God answers Job out of a WHIRLWIND. If you live in CoMo, have you seen the weather today? It looked like whirlwind weather. No, thank you.  But then God goes and is God. I love and hate when he does that...like when He calls us dust in James.

Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?

God continues this until Job promises silence (good move) and then God challenges Job to adorn himself in dignity, majesty, glory, and splendor. As well as practical things like drawing a Leviathan out with a fishhook (my favorite).  But then Job does where I feel I am at now.  Job confesses and repents.  We know from the previous 41 chapters that Job is righteous man and has really done nothing wrong but what Job has done wrong, and what I have struggled with today, is putting words and thoughts in God's mouth that were not his. And trying to fathom the unfathomable. This is what Job says:

I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.

"Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."  Whenever I get frustrated and utter the words "Why'd God make this so hard if he called me to this" I call in to question things too wonderful for me.  Things I do not and may never know.  But the Lord can do all things and no purpose of His can be thwarted. So I gather myself up. Confess and repent.  And start this day over.

The Lord answers.  Thankfully, this time it didn't take an actual whirlwind.

The Lord is my Shepherd*

There is just something about those words, "the Lord is my shepherd."  Yesterday, Forum Christian's high school youth minister, Justin, said something that stuck with me.  God is the shepherd and the lamb.  He can lead us and he dwells with us.  He doesn't just "lord" over us picking out what we do wrong and punishing us, he knows what we go through as he has gone through the same things. That is in part why he loves and takes care of us so well.

So this morning when the devo I have just started reading on a daily basis is about the idea of trusting in God with your whole being and is based around Psalm 23, that idea of Jesus as the shepherd and the lamb came up.  The devo, called Jesus Calling for any who are interested, finished today with this:

"Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way.  Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done.  Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day.  Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you encounter."  

"I go before you, as well as with you, into each day."  A shepherd and a lamb.  The part of Psalm 23 that went with this devo was "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  Fear has been a big stumbling block for me during this support raising process.  Fear of calling. Fear of new people.  Fear of who knows what.  Fear of disappointing.  Recently it's been the fear of the unplanned.  I never planned for my support to take this long.  I don't even have an idea what going through this season during the summer even could look like. Along with this comes fear of disappointing.  I want to commit to things but I don't want to disappoint anyone if I have to drop out at the last minute. But what I'm realizing is I can't plan right now.  Not far ahead anyways.

But with that is the fact that I'm not supposed to be planning that far ahead.  James 4:13 and 14 even says "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."  I laugh as I write that because 3 years ago I wrapped up my time with the Jesus Film Project with 14 on my heart and mind. And now I struggle with them.  And when I go back to Psalm 23 it says it in another way "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.  He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."  HE restores my soul. HE leads. It goes on to say that HE prepares a table before me.  Psalm 23 has very little to do with us doing or planning anything.  We are the mist. We are the lamb.  We have no place as the shepherd.  That is God's part.  Only he is the lamb and the shepherd.  So what have we to fear.  He has gone before us.  He is with us. With every day.  Even if we have plans for it or not.


*(as a geeky sidenote I kept spelling shepherd shepard, because apparently I have been around too much Mass Effect as of late.)

Discipline

Sorry for the hiatus.  Its been a tough few weeks/month.

Basically every insecurity I have ever had has been brought back up again in the MPD process.  The refiner's fire, right?  And so in this I've had to rely on God for my strength and my perseverance. It's hard because in these times I feel like I'm failing in every aspect.  I feel like I need to try harder and when that doesn't work I get down on myself.  It's a normally a sick cycle that I can get out of but with MPD, it has proven tougher.  Mostly because this process doesn't rely on how hard I work.  I have to work hard and call people but even when I do sometimes I won't get results.  It's not an easy process for a goal driven person like myself.  Or anyone for that matter.

During the follow-up conference I went to in Michigan probably one of the coolest things I discovered was a passage in Hebrews that I was led to while doing a journal entry for my New Testament Survey class. And that is Hebrews 12:7-13:

"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees,and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

We endure for discipline.  That we may have fruit of righteousness spring up out of this situation.  Even though, I am frustrated and tired of this whole process it is God ordained and someday...probably many years from now, I will look back at this time and think "Wow, I learned a lot."  But most importantly I am learning not just to endure this time but to live life in it.  I think so often we just think we have to endure, push through and God will give us an MPD badge at the end of it.  We are being disciplined but we must also learn to live in this disciplined life style.  Understand why things are happening but look for the blessing and beauty that is happening around us as well.

In the midst of this time, I have had sweet time with friends in Bowling Green and friends from Columbia that have moved away. I have heard really encouraging words with friends, support coaches, and future co-workers near and far. I have a super supportive family. I have a caring group of friends going through the exact same thing I am.  I have realized that even if you ask for big things, those things may not be what God has planned and it's just a lesson of waiting in this season of my life.

So I am thankful for this time.  I know I will look back on it someday and go "wow" both out of the thought why did I handle things that way but also out of how much I've changed.  I am thankful for how God has prepared me for this with the people he's put into my life as my team of encouragement as well as the people who have joined my team already.

The most important part of discipline is to not be negative but instead be thankful.  So in this holiday season of thanksgiving, I will be thankful for discipline.

Family Reunited (and it feels so good)

Every time I hear that word "reunited" the song pops into my head.

HA! Anyways, I just wanted to type up a quick post about my trip I took a few days ago because I need to share it.

So before I start this a quick briefing of my family situation.  Since I was 3 I've only had one set of grandparents.  When I was younger I had a lot of time and visits with my extended family which has been my uncle and 3 cousins on my dad's side and my aunt and 1 cousin on my mom's side (later it would be 3 cousins on that side).  Well time and lots of circumstances made it so in recent years it was usually just my immediate family (and grandparents).  So over the years I've taken up facebook stalking my cousins.  I'm good at it.  5 years ago I had a chance to reconnect with the one cousin that I knew the best on my mom's side at an anime convention (go ahead and laugh).  He was 23 and I was 17 so it was a good time but we both kind of had our own agendas. It was also the last time my mom and her sister got together and I got to see my two youngest cousins.  End basic background story.

So a year ago (or so) I found out my cousin (one mentioned in the background story) was engaged.  Pumped!  He's a good guy and we've tried to actually keep in touch with each other over the past five years (instead of me just stalking).  I got several texts asking our address and saying that he would love us to come to his wedding.  The timing of his wedding was perfect. So I pushed for this to happen.  I told my brother about it and he got psyched because he hadn't seen my cousin since my brother was 5, meaning he hadn't really ever met the two youngest cousins.  So the roadtrip was set (and for all my NST friends - yes I got it okayed by my support coach).

So the road trip comes and surprisingly the 10 hour drive was not bad.  At the wedding the first person we see is my cousin and he just hugs us all.  He was beaming.  It set the tone for the whole night.  My mom found her sister and we sat with her in the front.  It was fun to see my mom in a role I hadn't seen her in in a long time, that of a sister.  We sat with my aunt and cousins (not including the bride and groom) at the reception and caught up. To talk about what we were all feeling would be impossible.  But I was just so joyful to see him again, to actually meet my younger cousins again, to meet his wife.  And of course it was his wedding day and you're supposed to be happy on your wedding day but there was just so much happiness I couldn't really get over it.  It (to me) was a like a forging of a new family and a reunion of old.

And now we're left with an important step, follow-up.  I realize this is a term I usually use in context of what I do with the Jesus Film, to make sure people get plugged in and don't just have a one time experience and never grow in it.  But that is how I felt about this event.  We got connected to each other.  But we did that 5 years ago and nothing became of it except my cousin and I talked a bit more.  But now we promised to make trips, to not lose contact.  And I think we have a chance.

So that was my trip. For those who saw my facebook statuses and tweets you now have a small snapshot into why I posted them.  It is a memory I'm glad I have and I pray it won't be the last.

Left to right: Brother, Cousins, Bride and Groom, Aunt, Mom and Me.

Hope

For a few moments I contemplated a cooler post title than just... hope. Hope seems cliche, trite, minimal when you just put it by itself. I felt the need for embellishment in a blog post just I would feel the need in every day life.

The truth is hope is powerful. Just a me inkling can change a person, a nation, or a world. A hope for freedom. A hope for meaning. A hope for a relationship and life with the one true God. But after that first sprout of hope I feel like faith is the bonds that grow that hope. So in a way, in everyday life hope is strong by itself but it requires the two other attributes mentioned with it in 1 Corinthians 13:13. Without one another there is a missing piece.


This is a triptych of art of the three mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:13 found on Etsy. Hint: I would love this for my future apartment.

Well as I mentioned in my "Radio Silence" post I cut off communication with God for a few weeks. And just when I start it up again it's like "Finally! You're listening to me!" And there...flooded hope. Don't forget hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Sunday during the High School's Sunday night "Ignition" my friend Justin spoke of hope. Spoke of beating discouragement. What hope means in our lives and what it can look like. He spoke of Nehemiah. How he had hope to return to Jerusalem and rebuild the wall.

Nehemiah is my hero in a way. He wasn't what you would expect of a man to rebuild a wall. He was a cup bearer. He was in a fairly well off position in all of Persia. He used that position to talk candidly (or as candidly as you can) to the king of Persia. And he placed himself at these burned down destroyed walls. We talked of Nehemiah at New Staff Training when we were learning how to support raise. He was our example. He had a calling. As I have a calling. And he gathered people under this calling to achieve something great. As I am to do with support. Nehemiah said "Let us rise up and build!" and they "strengthened their hands for the good work." Before Justin spoke on Sunday I was feeling discouraged. Discouraged at having weekly kick in the butt meeting with my coach(es). Discouraged that not only do I have friends who want to support me but financially can't but there are faithful friends who are not led to be part of my team. And I respect both. So hearing about hope and about Nehemiah brought hope back into my life. Especially now, reading back over it it says that Nehemiah went down to the wall with a "few men." Not all of my 100+ contacts will join me. Only a few. And I rejoice in those few because they will "strengthen their hands for the good work" with me.

God was probably glad that I finally was paying attention but just paying attention isn't enough for God...ever. So the next day as I was working on my New Testament Survey hope appeared again. This time in the words of Dr. Gary Stanley talking about 1 and 2 Thessalonians. Paul uses the "Coming of the Day of Lord" to inspire the baby Thessalonian church. They were in the middle of persecution and had the faith but needed the hope to continue as they were. So as Dr. Stanley presents it, that was the main reason for Paul to bring that up to this new church multiple times. Dr. Stanley even talked about the same experiment as Justin had talked about the night before where hope was given to mice by giving them relief from swimming and they swam for way longer than those not given a break/hope. Hope is given to inspire and to give us a breather. The Thessalonian needed hope to continue in the time of persecution. The mice/rats in the experiment needed a breather to keep swimming in hopes another break would come along. Everytime I have a person excited to meet with me that is hope. That is a break.

So in the midst of minor God given discouragement there is even more hope around me. I can't dwell on the discouragement. That only breeds more discouragement. Getting into the word is a way to reboot that hope. And sometimes repetition of a theme does the same. Because sometimes just paying attention is enough.

Oh! And to add to it, Dylan just posted a sermon on hope through grace. Have yet to listen to it but I know it'll speak to me. Because it seems we all need to learn a little more about hope.