Monday, September 28, 2009

Case of a Missing Identity

So recently I have been having a tough time emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That's the best "not-in-depth" explanation I can give. I just have been struggling with who I am, how to handle things, and why the amazing beautiful God that I serve loves me.
Over the course of the week I have come across some answers. One of these is pursuing something earlier I would have rather dealt with the pain and disgust than do. That is counseling. I'm blessed with a family with a very positive view of this and with friends and mentors who are in favor of this. And so with the broken bits of my identity I will go to counseling.
But counseling isn't the only answer to my missing identity. Belief in the community around me and trusting in them with where I am truly at is one part of this puzzle of putting myself back together.
The other and probably the most beautiful answer is God's word. Specifically Ephesians 6:10 - 18.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
I feel like it has been something I've read a hundred times but never truly grasped until now. This is something I need to do continually just like being continually filled with the Spirit as I go on day to day. It will be a hard fight but I will win back my identity from the lies, the brokenness, and the dark.
On my beautiful walk towards this I went on our Cru's Women's Weekend this past weekend and so many reassuring things were said about identity. One thing was Romans 3:23 - 24 being presented in a new way. We are declared acceptable to God freely by his favor through the liberation from our consequences of sin. I am acceptable. Not even good. Acceptable. But he adores me. In Psalm 139 David says that God thinks of me more often than the sand on the sea shore. I am a mere broken human with a missing identity because I have succumbed to lies yet he still thinks of me so much. That just brings joy to my broken heart.
I also got to talk over where I was at with so many women and I have such a wonderful community of fabulous women backing me. Probably the sweetest part of my weekend was my quiet time with God. I used to have this time everyday but now as school has kicked up I have forfeited it in an attempt to stay sane. But until this weekend I didn't realize how much I missed it. I read, listened to wonderful music (my worship playlist), and laid on picnic table as the breeze blew in. Just before it rained. Then I watched rain as I had read beautiful truths in Romans, Psalms, and 1 Peter.
My journal

The rain

The view from the falls.

It was a great weekend and I am so blessed. I will slowly recover my identity and I'm excited to see what God will do with me when that happens.
Me, Shanshan, and Stacey @ WW.

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