Apathy

So this week I have been feeling apathetic. I know it's only Tuesday but still. I just feel tired...tired of work, tired of feeling bored, tired of sitting, tired of standing, tired of the routine I've built for myself. I think part of it is that next week is Cornerstone Festival and in my mind's eye that meant everything will be made better, which is false. Sure it will be fun for the five days I'll be there but it will not bring me perfect joy.
So I turned to God. Unfortunately he had become part of routine. Read bible. Write in journal. Repeat. But today was different. Today while being anxious to do SOMETHING I read through all my blog posts, it clicked.
Today I read Psalm 65 which in essence says to praise. Praise God for the summer heat. Praise God for a final co-op. Praise God for a healthy family, loving friends, for the wide gaps of time I have at my disposal. As I finished writing I sighed heavily and looked around. I wasn't tired. I was joyful. Apathy was a choice and I had changed my mind.
I looked back at a journal entry I earlier in the month. It revolved around Psalm 62 which says:

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

I keep repeating this. Apathy is a choice and in not choosing it and choosing God I can have true joy.

When Art Shifts

I have a lot of art friends online and I love them all but I find my heart is broken for them a lot. Some are like me who just create to create and then we end up putting it online so people can enjoy what we create. But some are striving to be professional artists and this is all their lives have become.
I started following the works of one of my friends 4 years ago. My life was dark and so was his art. His art has shifted from watercolor and screamo music to graphic novels and now he aims to be the best graphic novelist in all of Japan. On the journey of following someone's art you learn a lot about a person. A few days ago he posted this:

I am working so damn hard to become a better artist. Every day, for many many hours I am drawing manga and I don't stop until I just fall asleep overtired on my desk...I pursue the dream to become one of the best manga-ka in Japan.
It is a big pressure, and even very good artists collapse...and I have been pushed into my limits which caused me a lot of depressions.
But now I feel that I am getting improved with each stroke I draw, and all the hard and exhausting work is worth it. I have choosen this kind of lifestyle over the 'every-day-comforts' - because I am aware, that if I can not fulfill my dreams, my life is worthless.

My heart broke for him as I read the last sentence. He is slaving over a life that is slowly killing him. I can see this in his art, this pain and struggle to be the best. All I can do is hope that my friend finds joy elsewhere in life or achieves his dream.
But it makes me wonder what my art shows? My art that I put up has shifted from a Japanese/Anime look and a dark look to more springy. Like spring has sprung in my life. I don't get as many "views" or "favorites" but I get joy out of my art which is new and fun. But then I look at the rest of my life and wonder is there anything I'm striving for that if I cannot fulfill I feel like my life is worthless?

The cover of my sketchbook.

Wrestling

Not literally...that'd be strange. And to be entirely truthful I'm not really wrestling spiritually right now either. I'm just appreciating the process. The process that it seems we all go through and how alike yet different the spiritual wrestling is among women.
Tonight a mentor of mine put on her facebook "wrestling something out w/ God does not mean our faith is failing but that it is being developed and defined." I felt the truth of this tonight. I saw a small group of women wrestle with what it means to be wounded and open and later heal those wounds with God. But because of satan jerk he lies while we wrestle and try to heal.
But women are beautiful and women of God are the most beautiful on the whole earth. It has been made apparent to me through the past weeks as women talk about their future husbands, their boyfriends, their future, their school work, their hurts, their worries, everything. I used to be so angry at being born a woman and now I feel so blessed. So blessed because I can share and love these women. Oddly enough Sufjan Stevens' song "Dress Looks Nice on You" just started playing.

"I can see a lot of life in you. I can see a lot of bright in you. And I think the dress looks nice on you. I can see a lot of life in you. "

The women around me are full of life even when satan is trying to trick them out of it. So I love where I'm at and I try to attribute my beauty in whatever way I can (that was so freaking strange for me to type - eek) for God's glory and to bless the women who have so graciously shared their lives with me.

Coffee Shop Living

So I feel like I could live my life in a coffee shop and never leave. But since that is an unwise decision at this time in my life I like to simulate that feeling in my living room. Freshly brewed coffee from my little coffee pot, listening to some sweet Over the Rhine tunes that I just bought in a dimly lit room (my roomie just went to bed to I only have one lamp on). Its a sweet moment in my genuinely chaotic lifestyle. I have 2 papers and a project due but there's no stress, just silence and peace. Which is new for me at this time.
I've been running around sending resumes, worrying about resumes, writing papers, cramming in late nights for those papers, hanging with people, balancing people and school and beautiful time with Jesus. So in this coffee shop moment of my life I will relax in knowing that God has these things balanced for me. I will have something to do this semester. I will graduate on time in about a year from now. I will pass my incredibly paper heavy film history class. (Is that weird that thats the order they come in stress in my life?) I have faith that not only does he balance these things for me that he will show up in their outcomes.
But if you could pray for my summer that would be so beautiful since its almost April and I still don't know where I will be. I could be in LA (living in a box under a highway), Seattle, Nashville, New York, Joplin, or back home. The possibilities are endless but as of right now so is the silence. So pray for my summer, my patience, and for my heart not to harden.
For now I will be silent and wait in this little moment. So I could live in a coffee shop but for now I will sit here in my apartment trying to finish video treatments for my class tomorrow while inhaling that wonderful coffee smell drifting from coffee cup.

Set Apart This Dream

So I feel like Flyleaf constantly claims the titles of my blog posts but their songs always speak to where I'm at. So there...
'nyways I've been struggling...again. It's crazy how I only seem to learn when I'm broken. I wish it was easier. I wish God didn't have to break us for us to notice his beauty, power, majesty etc. I wish life would work how I think it should work but that's not how it is. I'm powerless, weak and even through that I'm beloved.
It's hard for me to grasp that last part. Beloved. I've talked through this with several people and God and I guess it comes down the that part of me back in the history of my life (long history that it is har har) when I decided to shun anything that resembled weakness. That included beauty, feminity, tears, letting people in, living in reality etc etc etc. So now I'm left a broken mess, years later, trying to put all those things back together. Trying to embrace being feminine, beautiful and loved.
So I'm learning. I'm learning to cry in front of people again (I've been commanded to not hide the next time I feel like tears are coming). I'm learning that though I'm not perfect and who I think I should be that is not a reason to stand still in my spirituality and crumble. It's a reason to move forward. To kick that damned Satan Jerk in the mouth and march on.
So in the midst of all this learning I've been shown lots of beautiful things. One being Psalm 139. I love it and right now I'm centering myself on it. For a week and hopefully it gets through my thick skull that I'm loved by the maker of the universe.
And the second is Flyleaf's songs. One of them is the song that's the title above. It goes like this:

"Close your eyes little girl, you're a princess now. You own this world twirling in your twirly dress. You're the loveliest far above the rest. You build your castles in the skies, stars reflecting off your eyes and angels sing on silver clouds. And no one cries, screams, or shouts. Oh set apart this dream. Oh set apart this dream for me. Set apart this dream for me. Close your eyes pretty girl cause its easier when you brace yourself. Set your thoughts on a world far off where we only cry from joy...Oh lovely and beautiful precious and priceless you're so much more than you know. Heart of the purest gold. Pure clean and white as snow. Clothed in such splendor. Oh what a beauty for me..."

I want that mindset. I'm striving for it. The other song is a promise in all the trials right now I will heal.

"The sun will set on this my dear. Your labors aren't in vain. You're blistered and you're burned from it. Your wounds are gonna heal."

It kind of reflects the idea in James 1:12. That if you are steadfast you will be rewarded by the king that loves us. It's such a comfort. And I'm not alone. I have so many amazing people coming alongside me in this. One such person, Erin, gave me verses to decorate and put in my room. Now they are all over my room. It's weird to wake up and the first things I see are the words "You are beautiful."

My room view one - notice the verses by the door and on either side of my poster

My view when I wake up.

And so I'm struggling but I'm blessed in that struggle and I'm learning to be me again.

Arise and be, all that you dreamed

The semester is OVER! I survived and passed all my classes.

I have been blessed with trials this semester. At the time it wasn't a blessing but now looking back I'm glad all those things happened. They made me aware of things that I had just written off as idiosyncrasies and not things that needed to be fixed. But the semester God has made it all too clear I need to confront these face to face and fix them. And now seems to be the time he is beckoning me to arise from my fallen position before him.
I was listening to Flyleaf on my way home yesterday and the words from the song Arise just hit me. "Arise and be, all that you dreamed all that you dreamed." Before I knew it I was in tears for no reason. It felt like a call. A call to move forward. It's refreshing and beautiful.
This morning I got a tweet from esvdaily and today was Psalm 139:7-10
"Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to the heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."
And then my friend Amy told me that her best advice is "if the God of the universe is holding me in his hand then he will help me through each of my little storms." And the the coolest thing...what I hoped for my break (courtesy of Solarium) was to be held securely in God's hand.
So where shall I go from here? I will arise and go forward knowing God is holding me.

One more year older and maybe a little more mature...maybe

So today is the big day. As of right now I just turned 21. Am I any where close to acting like an adult...no. Lol. I spent my "birthday celebration" day playing with play-doh, eating Indian food, and watching the Disney Robin Hood. Not all at once mind you. It was really sweet to celebrate it with people who care about me and remembering that there others that care about me that couldn't be with me.

I've been slowly letting God take control of everything which is SO hard for me. Every time I give him something I take something else. I've also realized that this tends to be the root of all my problems. I try to control time and give up focusing on my spiritual self or social self and dip into a depression. I am now trying to work on how I use my time. Balancing my social, spiritual and school life because school isn't all that important, not if the rest of you is at stake.

This weekend has been a sweet example of how I should live. I've been busy finishing a final project for video but I have also been hanging out with friends for my birthday celebration etc but I've been connecting with people and God in a spiritual way as well. I'm so blessed to have so many people praying and supporting me.

So...Happy Birthday to me. I've made it this far and its going to be so cool to see what God continues to do in my life.