Childish

It's 2am...almost and I've been up sending resumes. What is my life?

But as I was typing out the same few paragraphs over email I was thinking how much I wanted to just curl up in a ball, drink hot chocolate, be hugged and watch a disney movie. And then (when I should have been making sure my email was working - which it wasn't) I started to miss being a kid and thinking of funny childhood memories. One of the funniest that came to mind was from right after the movie the Lion King came out. Shortly after watching it, I was lying under the kitchen table (you know cuz that's what most children do). I think my dad was saying something to me, requesting me to do something and I thought it would be a good time to quote something from the movie I had just seen. So out of my mouth popped "I'm surrounded by idiots." I learned fast that quoting Scar was not a good life choice.

I giggled to myself and then noticed that my email hadn't sent the last six emails. To which I realized, I'm not a child. I'm a 22 year old struggling to have faith that no matter what I do is inside God's will. And at that moment Gods will was to send a bajillion resumes to places other than the JESUS Film to have a clear idea of where God wants me. I re-sent the emails and now I'm back at 2am. Tired. And still wishing I could by lying under a table quoting Scar.

Which I may do...later today.

Labels

How is everybody's snowpocalypse?

Mine's slightly anti-climatic. It's funny. It was that whole label thing that built up an expectation for this massive snow that never came. And that got me thinking, as the snow came down yesterday how I put labels on things. I label classes. I label weather. I label people.

But where I find the biggest problem for me is how I label myself. I label myself by my talents so I can get hired, I label myself by what I can't do so I don't get hurt, and I label myself by my sin. I assume as soon as I put this label on myself that God can't overcome it, especially the sin one. But I'm slowly, like as slow as humanly possible, realizing that God can slowly peel off the label or he can rip it off roughly. And the label always seems to be in the softest but hardest to get to place of my heart. The label I put on because of my sin means nothing because he put a label on my heart that can be peeled, torn off, or dissolved. I am his daughter.

So as I sat there in my chair (in the corner of the living room), and stared out at the snow. I inhaled the scent of my coffee and just watched this snowpocalpse roll in and disappoint my expectations. But that's what I do to myself. I roll in on my expectations and disappoint myself. Yet God is sitting there shaking his head. I roll in and meet his expectations. He knows I will sin and fail. And fail again. And again. You get the picture. But he still put the label of daughter on me and he loves me for it. So as I sat there I said out loud all the labels I had put on myself because of my sin. It was hard. They were gross words to admit to myself. But I stared at that white pure snow and said "But I am not these things any more. I am a daughter of Zion." And I repeated it. Until I felt that label becoming as real to my head as it was to my heart. I am not my sin. It is a part of my story but I am not changed in God's eyes because of it.

God says "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." No matter the label I put on myself.

Well Hey 2011

It's 2011, a year that holds graduation, job potentials, weddings, and things I can't even begin to imagine.

I ushered in 2011 with my parents' lifegroup and then with a little Twilight Zone. It was a quiet break filled with family, getting a portfolio ready, hanging with really ridiculous friends, hearing engagement stories from some of those friends, watching modern family with my family, listening to Tron: Legacy and Tangled soundtracks, and lots of reading.

This year has been interesting. I had my final internship. I figured out new ways to cope with hard things. I learned new ways to use my video talents. I lost my grandfather. I learned a little bit more about how deep the Father loves me and my family. And I saw how my friends care and love.

It's been a beautiful year and I'm a better person for it. But I can't wait to see what 2011 holds.

And I finish with this quote:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

Personal Little Birthday

That's what my 22nd was.

I talked and laughed with my dad on the phone. I hoped/prayed that the sun would come out and it did (thanks God). I went and met my mentor and hung out with her for most of the early afternoon. I got a text around 1:30 that I get every year from my mom and nearly started crying. Went to bible in a year to be greeted by "Happy Birthday!"s, hugs, and a cake. I got back from my 6-9 class and ate cake and opened the packages I got in the mail from my JFilm pals, my parents, and a letter from my grandma. For about 10 minutes I couldn't stop laughing at my JFilm package. (seriously the "Lazy is the new Smart" made it nearly impossible to stop). But then I opened my other two and started crying from missing my grandpa as well with how blessed I felt from the whole day and the people around me. Marie came back and I got a bunch of Starbucks stuff from her with a promise for an "awesome" gift when she found it. And texts and facebook messages throughout the day. That was it.

This weekend the new Narnia movie will be thrown into the mix (and I'm hoping for lights at the zoo too) but I feel so blessed by it all. For some reason going into this week I was really anxious that no one would remember or care and I was pretty sure I didn't want to celebrate it at all. But it happened, birthdays always do, and I cherish this one.

Plane Ponderings

So today I flew back from St. Louis to Toledo so I could return for the last 3 weeks of the semester. I like planes. I like the time I have to read and do homework with no distractions such as the internet. I love people watching. I do not particularly like long layovers though. I get nervous that my flight will get cancelled and I'll be stuck in Chicago O'Hare forever (that is a scary fate). So to not get nervous I finished two papers as well as jotted down cute/funny/nice moments as I people watched.

-The security ID checker person looked at my ID and wished me an early birthday. It made my day.

-A little boy looked at the long line for his flight and commented "That must be a long plane."

-Same line - An infant and her older sister were crawling in front of me making dinosaur noises.

-A little red head boy was walking with his parents when he suddenly stopped and stared at the poster next to me. "A go-ada mamma! A go-ada" I leaned over and saw that it was a gorilla and giggled to myself.

-The lens cap for my camera came off as I was putting my backpack in the over head bin and woman picked it up and handed it to me as I turned around to find it

-Multi-lingual conversation at Chicago O'Hare. I heard Chinese, Italian (a bunch of Italian old men walked past me-I laughed), Russian, Spanish, Scottish (yes that is a language in some cases like this one), and German.

-Two Chicago O'Hare workers were pushing two wheel chairs and holding onto two kids hands. One of the wheel chairs held a stuffed monkey

-Lost groups of people. One basketball team walked past me three times.

-Pilots and flight attendants hugging each other after not seeing each other for a long time.

-Chicago O'Hare during the holidays looks the same way it did in Home Alone.

-When I landed in Toledo a family was waiting for a service man who was on the same flight. He was greeted with a hug and a kiss. And then a hug by each family member. I heard his grandma say "We love you so much." I almost cried right there.

Thanksgiving

Before Thanksgiving ends I wanted to write a list of things I'm thankful for.

25 things I am thankful for:

1. God's steadfast love
2. Cold starry Missouri nights
3. Pumpkin Pie
4. Soft cuddly dachshunds
5. The comforting a challenging words of Ephesians 6
6. The fact I am actually graduating in May
7. My family, all of it. This includes my biological family as well as those in Missouri, Ohio, and Florida.
8. Fuzzy sweaters
9. Old films with my parents
10. Journaling about God's word
11. Art, specifically water color and photography
12. The friendships that started Freshman year. They are awesome and continue to challenge me (as well as make me laugh
13. Quirky imaginative films
14. A totally open future. Although it's scary, I could absolutely go anywhere after I graduate and that is kind of exciting
15. The smell of winter
16. Laughing at everything
17. The fact my Dad got tenure and Nerd of the Year in the same year
18. Tea
19. Knowing that God is working in me and through me
20. That my family knows me well enough that they can surprise me with little things randomly. It makes me feel so special
21. Books and comics
22. That my Grandpa was in my life for nearly 22 years and now he's with God
23. I was able to travel to so many places in the world with him and just so many places in general
24. The beautiful Cru women in my life
25. Good conversations and watching movies with family and friends

Being held and being led

In the past 5 days I have heard the idea of "Faith" over and over. It seemed to be the topic of spiritual conversation, sermons, and the like. It is also an idea I am struggling with... I have explained faith to international students several times over the last few days and yet I look at myself and see that my faith is weak.

Over the past month, I have gone from entirely sure of where God wants me to floundering in the idea. I blamed it on doubt to whether my initial certainty was just excitement, the fear of letting my family down, lies, and now I see it for what it partially is. A lack of faith. I don't have faith that God can bring in support. Once I saw the size of the support, my view of God shrank. And with it my faith in him. For some reason my fear of money overwhelmed my view of God.

But He can't be defeated by money. Only my attitude can. So thanks to some wonderful friends, a thought provoking sermon, and some of God's own words from Psalms and Ephesians; I am approaching this with a renewed faith. It's just a step towards a greater faith but it is much better than hunkering in a corner with a mask of fake faith.

It's weird to have this as my first post in 5 months but I wanted to make this public. I need accountability in this. I still don't have a clear idea of where God wants me but I won't approach my future defeated.