Personal Little Birthday

That's what my 22nd was.

I talked and laughed with my dad on the phone. I hoped/prayed that the sun would come out and it did (thanks God). I went and met my mentor and hung out with her for most of the early afternoon. I got a text around 1:30 that I get every year from my mom and nearly started crying. Went to bible in a year to be greeted by "Happy Birthday!"s, hugs, and a cake. I got back from my 6-9 class and ate cake and opened the packages I got in the mail from my JFilm pals, my parents, and a letter from my grandma. For about 10 minutes I couldn't stop laughing at my JFilm package. (seriously the "Lazy is the new Smart" made it nearly impossible to stop). But then I opened my other two and started crying from missing my grandpa as well with how blessed I felt from the whole day and the people around me. Marie came back and I got a bunch of Starbucks stuff from her with a promise for an "awesome" gift when she found it. And texts and facebook messages throughout the day. That was it.

This weekend the new Narnia movie will be thrown into the mix (and I'm hoping for lights at the zoo too) but I feel so blessed by it all. For some reason going into this week I was really anxious that no one would remember or care and I was pretty sure I didn't want to celebrate it at all. But it happened, birthdays always do, and I cherish this one.

Plane Ponderings

So today I flew back from St. Louis to Toledo so I could return for the last 3 weeks of the semester. I like planes. I like the time I have to read and do homework with no distractions such as the internet. I love people watching. I do not particularly like long layovers though. I get nervous that my flight will get cancelled and I'll be stuck in Chicago O'Hare forever (that is a scary fate). So to not get nervous I finished two papers as well as jotted down cute/funny/nice moments as I people watched.

-The security ID checker person looked at my ID and wished me an early birthday. It made my day.

-A little boy looked at the long line for his flight and commented "That must be a long plane."

-Same line - An infant and her older sister were crawling in front of me making dinosaur noises.

-A little red head boy was walking with his parents when he suddenly stopped and stared at the poster next to me. "A go-ada mamma! A go-ada" I leaned over and saw that it was a gorilla and giggled to myself.

-The lens cap for my camera came off as I was putting my backpack in the over head bin and woman picked it up and handed it to me as I turned around to find it

-Multi-lingual conversation at Chicago O'Hare. I heard Chinese, Italian (a bunch of Italian old men walked past me-I laughed), Russian, Spanish, Scottish (yes that is a language in some cases like this one), and German.

-Two Chicago O'Hare workers were pushing two wheel chairs and holding onto two kids hands. One of the wheel chairs held a stuffed monkey

-Lost groups of people. One basketball team walked past me three times.

-Pilots and flight attendants hugging each other after not seeing each other for a long time.

-Chicago O'Hare during the holidays looks the same way it did in Home Alone.

-When I landed in Toledo a family was waiting for a service man who was on the same flight. He was greeted with a hug and a kiss. And then a hug by each family member. I heard his grandma say "We love you so much." I almost cried right there.

Thanksgiving

Before Thanksgiving ends I wanted to write a list of things I'm thankful for.

25 things I am thankful for:

1. God's steadfast love
2. Cold starry Missouri nights
3. Pumpkin Pie
4. Soft cuddly dachshunds
5. The comforting a challenging words of Ephesians 6
6. The fact I am actually graduating in May
7. My family, all of it. This includes my biological family as well as those in Missouri, Ohio, and Florida.
8. Fuzzy sweaters
9. Old films with my parents
10. Journaling about God's word
11. Art, specifically water color and photography
12. The friendships that started Freshman year. They are awesome and continue to challenge me (as well as make me laugh
13. Quirky imaginative films
14. A totally open future. Although it's scary, I could absolutely go anywhere after I graduate and that is kind of exciting
15. The smell of winter
16. Laughing at everything
17. The fact my Dad got tenure and Nerd of the Year in the same year
18. Tea
19. Knowing that God is working in me and through me
20. That my family knows me well enough that they can surprise me with little things randomly. It makes me feel so special
21. Books and comics
22. That my Grandpa was in my life for nearly 22 years and now he's with God
23. I was able to travel to so many places in the world with him and just so many places in general
24. The beautiful Cru women in my life
25. Good conversations and watching movies with family and friends

Being held and being led

In the past 5 days I have heard the idea of "Faith" over and over. It seemed to be the topic of spiritual conversation, sermons, and the like. It is also an idea I am struggling with... I have explained faith to international students several times over the last few days and yet I look at myself and see that my faith is weak.

Over the past month, I have gone from entirely sure of where God wants me to floundering in the idea. I blamed it on doubt to whether my initial certainty was just excitement, the fear of letting my family down, lies, and now I see it for what it partially is. A lack of faith. I don't have faith that God can bring in support. Once I saw the size of the support, my view of God shrank. And with it my faith in him. For some reason my fear of money overwhelmed my view of God.

But He can't be defeated by money. Only my attitude can. So thanks to some wonderful friends, a thought provoking sermon, and some of God's own words from Psalms and Ephesians; I am approaching this with a renewed faith. It's just a step towards a greater faith but it is much better than hunkering in a corner with a mask of fake faith.

It's weird to have this as my first post in 5 months but I wanted to make this public. I need accountability in this. I still don't have a clear idea of where God wants me but I won't approach my future defeated.

Apathy

So this week I have been feeling apathetic. I know it's only Tuesday but still. I just feel tired...tired of work, tired of feeling bored, tired of sitting, tired of standing, tired of the routine I've built for myself. I think part of it is that next week is Cornerstone Festival and in my mind's eye that meant everything will be made better, which is false. Sure it will be fun for the five days I'll be there but it will not bring me perfect joy.
So I turned to God. Unfortunately he had become part of routine. Read bible. Write in journal. Repeat. But today was different. Today while being anxious to do SOMETHING I read through all my blog posts, it clicked.
Today I read Psalm 65 which in essence says to praise. Praise God for the summer heat. Praise God for a final co-op. Praise God for a healthy family, loving friends, for the wide gaps of time I have at my disposal. As I finished writing I sighed heavily and looked around. I wasn't tired. I was joyful. Apathy was a choice and I had changed my mind.
I looked back at a journal entry I earlier in the month. It revolved around Psalm 62 which says:

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

I keep repeating this. Apathy is a choice and in not choosing it and choosing God I can have true joy.

When Art Shifts

I have a lot of art friends online and I love them all but I find my heart is broken for them a lot. Some are like me who just create to create and then we end up putting it online so people can enjoy what we create. But some are striving to be professional artists and this is all their lives have become.
I started following the works of one of my friends 4 years ago. My life was dark and so was his art. His art has shifted from watercolor and screamo music to graphic novels and now he aims to be the best graphic novelist in all of Japan. On the journey of following someone's art you learn a lot about a person. A few days ago he posted this:

I am working so damn hard to become a better artist. Every day, for many many hours I am drawing manga and I don't stop until I just fall asleep overtired on my desk...I pursue the dream to become one of the best manga-ka in Japan.
It is a big pressure, and even very good artists collapse...and I have been pushed into my limits which caused me a lot of depressions.
But now I feel that I am getting improved with each stroke I draw, and all the hard and exhausting work is worth it. I have choosen this kind of lifestyle over the 'every-day-comforts' - because I am aware, that if I can not fulfill my dreams, my life is worthless.

My heart broke for him as I read the last sentence. He is slaving over a life that is slowly killing him. I can see this in his art, this pain and struggle to be the best. All I can do is hope that my friend finds joy elsewhere in life or achieves his dream.
But it makes me wonder what my art shows? My art that I put up has shifted from a Japanese/Anime look and a dark look to more springy. Like spring has sprung in my life. I don't get as many "views" or "favorites" but I get joy out of my art which is new and fun. But then I look at the rest of my life and wonder is there anything I'm striving for that if I cannot fulfill I feel like my life is worthless?

The cover of my sketchbook.

Wrestling

Not literally...that'd be strange. And to be entirely truthful I'm not really wrestling spiritually right now either. I'm just appreciating the process. The process that it seems we all go through and how alike yet different the spiritual wrestling is among women.
Tonight a mentor of mine put on her facebook "wrestling something out w/ God does not mean our faith is failing but that it is being developed and defined." I felt the truth of this tonight. I saw a small group of women wrestle with what it means to be wounded and open and later heal those wounds with God. But because of satan jerk he lies while we wrestle and try to heal.
But women are beautiful and women of God are the most beautiful on the whole earth. It has been made apparent to me through the past weeks as women talk about their future husbands, their boyfriends, their future, their school work, their hurts, their worries, everything. I used to be so angry at being born a woman and now I feel so blessed. So blessed because I can share and love these women. Oddly enough Sufjan Stevens' song "Dress Looks Nice on You" just started playing.

"I can see a lot of life in you. I can see a lot of bright in you. And I think the dress looks nice on you. I can see a lot of life in you. "

The women around me are full of life even when satan is trying to trick them out of it. So I love where I'm at and I try to attribute my beauty in whatever way I can (that was so freaking strange for me to type - eek) for God's glory and to bless the women who have so graciously shared their lives with me.

Coffee Shop Living

So I feel like I could live my life in a coffee shop and never leave. But since that is an unwise decision at this time in my life I like to simulate that feeling in my living room. Freshly brewed coffee from my little coffee pot, listening to some sweet Over the Rhine tunes that I just bought in a dimly lit room (my roomie just went to bed to I only have one lamp on). Its a sweet moment in my genuinely chaotic lifestyle. I have 2 papers and a project due but there's no stress, just silence and peace. Which is new for me at this time.
I've been running around sending resumes, worrying about resumes, writing papers, cramming in late nights for those papers, hanging with people, balancing people and school and beautiful time with Jesus. So in this coffee shop moment of my life I will relax in knowing that God has these things balanced for me. I will have something to do this semester. I will graduate on time in about a year from now. I will pass my incredibly paper heavy film history class. (Is that weird that thats the order they come in stress in my life?) I have faith that not only does he balance these things for me that he will show up in their outcomes.
But if you could pray for my summer that would be so beautiful since its almost April and I still don't know where I will be. I could be in LA (living in a box under a highway), Seattle, Nashville, New York, Joplin, or back home. The possibilities are endless but as of right now so is the silence. So pray for my summer, my patience, and for my heart not to harden.
For now I will be silent and wait in this little moment. So I could live in a coffee shop but for now I will sit here in my apartment trying to finish video treatments for my class tomorrow while inhaling that wonderful coffee smell drifting from coffee cup.

Set Apart This Dream

So I feel like Flyleaf constantly claims the titles of my blog posts but their songs always speak to where I'm at. So there...
'nyways I've been struggling...again. It's crazy how I only seem to learn when I'm broken. I wish it was easier. I wish God didn't have to break us for us to notice his beauty, power, majesty etc. I wish life would work how I think it should work but that's not how it is. I'm powerless, weak and even through that I'm beloved.
It's hard for me to grasp that last part. Beloved. I've talked through this with several people and God and I guess it comes down the that part of me back in the history of my life (long history that it is har har) when I decided to shun anything that resembled weakness. That included beauty, feminity, tears, letting people in, living in reality etc etc etc. So now I'm left a broken mess, years later, trying to put all those things back together. Trying to embrace being feminine, beautiful and loved.
So I'm learning. I'm learning to cry in front of people again (I've been commanded to not hide the next time I feel like tears are coming). I'm learning that though I'm not perfect and who I think I should be that is not a reason to stand still in my spirituality and crumble. It's a reason to move forward. To kick that damned Satan Jerk in the mouth and march on.
So in the midst of all this learning I've been shown lots of beautiful things. One being Psalm 139. I love it and right now I'm centering myself on it. For a week and hopefully it gets through my thick skull that I'm loved by the maker of the universe.
And the second is Flyleaf's songs. One of them is the song that's the title above. It goes like this:

"Close your eyes little girl, you're a princess now. You own this world twirling in your twirly dress. You're the loveliest far above the rest. You build your castles in the skies, stars reflecting off your eyes and angels sing on silver clouds. And no one cries, screams, or shouts. Oh set apart this dream. Oh set apart this dream for me. Set apart this dream for me. Close your eyes pretty girl cause its easier when you brace yourself. Set your thoughts on a world far off where we only cry from joy...Oh lovely and beautiful precious and priceless you're so much more than you know. Heart of the purest gold. Pure clean and white as snow. Clothed in such splendor. Oh what a beauty for me..."

I want that mindset. I'm striving for it. The other song is a promise in all the trials right now I will heal.

"The sun will set on this my dear. Your labors aren't in vain. You're blistered and you're burned from it. Your wounds are gonna heal."

It kind of reflects the idea in James 1:12. That if you are steadfast you will be rewarded by the king that loves us. It's such a comfort. And I'm not alone. I have so many amazing people coming alongside me in this. One such person, Erin, gave me verses to decorate and put in my room. Now they are all over my room. It's weird to wake up and the first things I see are the words "You are beautiful."

My room view one - notice the verses by the door and on either side of my poster

My view when I wake up.

And so I'm struggling but I'm blessed in that struggle and I'm learning to be me again.