Arise and be, all that you dreamed

The semester is OVER! I survived and passed all my classes.

I have been blessed with trials this semester. At the time it wasn't a blessing but now looking back I'm glad all those things happened. They made me aware of things that I had just written off as idiosyncrasies and not things that needed to be fixed. But the semester God has made it all too clear I need to confront these face to face and fix them. And now seems to be the time he is beckoning me to arise from my fallen position before him.
I was listening to Flyleaf on my way home yesterday and the words from the song Arise just hit me. "Arise and be, all that you dreamed all that you dreamed." Before I knew it I was in tears for no reason. It felt like a call. A call to move forward. It's refreshing and beautiful.
This morning I got a tweet from esvdaily and today was Psalm 139:7-10
"Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to the heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."
And then my friend Amy told me that her best advice is "if the God of the universe is holding me in his hand then he will help me through each of my little storms." And the the coolest thing...what I hoped for my break (courtesy of Solarium) was to be held securely in God's hand.
So where shall I go from here? I will arise and go forward knowing God is holding me.

One more year older and maybe a little more mature...maybe

So today is the big day. As of right now I just turned 21. Am I any where close to acting like an adult...no. Lol. I spent my "birthday celebration" day playing with play-doh, eating Indian food, and watching the Disney Robin Hood. Not all at once mind you. It was really sweet to celebrate it with people who care about me and remembering that there others that care about me that couldn't be with me.

I've been slowly letting God take control of everything which is SO hard for me. Every time I give him something I take something else. I've also realized that this tends to be the root of all my problems. I try to control time and give up focusing on my spiritual self or social self and dip into a depression. I am now trying to work on how I use my time. Balancing my social, spiritual and school life because school isn't all that important, not if the rest of you is at stake.

This weekend has been a sweet example of how I should live. I've been busy finishing a final project for video but I have also been hanging out with friends for my birthday celebration etc but I've been connecting with people and God in a spiritual way as well. I'm so blessed to have so many people praying and supporting me.

So...Happy Birthday to me. I've made it this far and its going to be so cool to see what God continues to do in my life.

Hope Found

So many things have happened in the last month but with all those things I feel like have grown past the hurt and the pain that was trying tear its way into my heart. It's still there and will always be there because that's how Satan is. He isn't someone you can forget about cuz you think you out grew him. In those times you thing you have he comes back and attacks you in the worst way and usually through your pride. Why are we humans so easily felled by pride?
But for now and daily I shall praise God cuz in he my hope is found. So today I ready Psalm 39:7. "But now, Lord who do I look for? My hope is in you." I thought that was really sweet so I put it in a note to myself on my mac. (btw my mac was gone for a week cuz it needed repairs and that taught me a lot about how much I depended on my mac to distract myself.) Then I saw a friend of my had put Romans 5:5 and 2 Timothy 1:7 in a comment on her status when she needed to love by faith. Well I'm sure God planned that out perfectly for me because when read together they read:
"But now, Lord, who do I look for? My hope is in you. And hope does not disappoint us, because god has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
AMAZING. I feel like I need to be continuously reminded of this. And so I shall wallpaper this on my mind and heart so that all those sneaky ways that Satan Jerk tries to get in will be for not.
I just have to remember to have my hope in God and nature renews that hope as well. How is it possible to look at the blue blue sky and the orange and yellow falling down all around and not think this is a gift from God?
I feel like this is a start to a new beginning. I registered for new semester yesterday and I have a renewed hope in my heart.

My friend Christie and I and a pumpkin we won.

The beautiful fall and my friend Michelle.

Case of a Missing Identity

So recently I have been having a tough time emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That's the best "not-in-depth" explanation I can give. I just have been struggling with who I am, how to handle things, and why the amazing beautiful God that I serve loves me.
Over the course of the week I have come across some answers. One of these is pursuing something earlier I would have rather dealt with the pain and disgust than do. That is counseling. I'm blessed with a family with a very positive view of this and with friends and mentors who are in favor of this. And so with the broken bits of my identity I will go to counseling.
But counseling isn't the only answer to my missing identity. Belief in the community around me and trusting in them with where I am truly at is one part of this puzzle of putting myself back together.
The other and probably the most beautiful answer is God's word. Specifically Ephesians 6:10 - 18.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
I feel like it has been something I've read a hundred times but never truly grasped until now. This is something I need to do continually just like being continually filled with the Spirit as I go on day to day. It will be a hard fight but I will win back my identity from the lies, the brokenness, and the dark.
On my beautiful walk towards this I went on our Cru's Women's Weekend this past weekend and so many reassuring things were said about identity. One thing was Romans 3:23 - 24 being presented in a new way. We are declared acceptable to God freely by his favor through the liberation from our consequences of sin. I am acceptable. Not even good. Acceptable. But he adores me. In Psalm 139 David says that God thinks of me more often than the sand on the sea shore. I am a mere broken human with a missing identity because I have succumbed to lies yet he still thinks of me so much. That just brings joy to my broken heart.
I also got to talk over where I was at with so many women and I have such a wonderful community of fabulous women backing me. Probably the sweetest part of my weekend was my quiet time with God. I used to have this time everyday but now as school has kicked up I have forfeited it in an attempt to stay sane. But until this weekend I didn't realize how much I missed it. I read, listened to wonderful music (my worship playlist), and laid on picnic table as the breeze blew in. Just before it rained. Then I watched rain as I had read beautiful truths in Romans, Psalms, and 1 Peter.

My journal

The rain

The view from the falls.

It was a great weekend and I am so blessed. I will slowly recover my identity and I'm excited to see what God will do with me when that happens.

Me, Shanshan, and Stacey @ WW.

1st week reflections

So I've finished my first week of my Junior year. Btw that in itself blows my mind. This will be my 3rd year of college that means (if all goes as planned) I only have one year after this, 3 semesters after this one and one more internship. All of that is out of my realm of understanding.

I have several funny profs and one really nice one that I'm sure I'll enjoy. I also have one dry but funny prof and one BORING prof. Hopefully it gets better for that class. It's the basics of digital imaging...I wish it wasn't a required class. One of my profs (who is a friend of mine) just got married so I actually won't see him for a while. But all in all this semester will be a lot of work but I think it will be a very interesting one as well.

I have an apartment. My first ever. The first week I moved in it felt hotter than Florida (imagine that). But now it is in the high 60's/low 70's and that is just too cold for the end of the "Summer." I like having my own room. It's already partially a mess with my books and graphic design work but oh well.

The part of the room used for studying...hahahaha.

Coco likes his new home and his new friends.

I finally saw (500) Days of Summer. It was amazing!!!!!!! See it. Right now. You still here? Oh well. See it sometime. It's sweet and really really creative. I also saw Miyazaki's new work, Ponyo. It was cute. Like My Neighbor Totoro cute. So if you into sugary sweet goodness see it.

I am very happy to be back in the CRU community here and I have already started to carve niches out for myself. I have already made one video, organized and ran the slides, and met so many new people. My head could explode but it would be a good explosion (if that is possible). In this time being back I find that I can talk to new people a lot easier. Which is a huge blessing because I used to be so anxious about talking to new people. I'm pretty sure my summer helped me with that. I really like meeting new people and getting them plugged into community.

Even through all this God is definitely teaching me about disappointment. Cuz once again I'm forming my own plans and that dark feeling of disappointment shows up when the don't work out. So it's learning that my plans aren't all that important and that whatever happens is within God's plan and I should be happy with that.

So this week was full of lessons and readjusting and since I like lists here is my list of things for the first week.
1. Open windows + fans = rain flying into room soaking bed
2. When people walk into a room with no desk they assume you're lazy
3. English dubbing does not do justice to Miyazaki films especially when you throw in a Cyrus and a Jonas into the mix.
4. Having roommates who like to cook is a good thing.
5. Rain + flipflops = don't even try to get to class on time.
6. Video editing late into the night isn't conducive to waking up early for a 8:30 class.
7. There is a song on my ipod for every mood.
8. If staring into the sky and walking to class without running into anything was possible I would do it all the time.
9. If you don't want more responsibility don't pull off a 2.5 minute video in 3 days.
10. Some profs are serious when they tell you that their nickname is "King."

Disconnection

So I'm back in much cooler Columbia, MO. It's impressive how much a few degrees can feel infinitely cooler. I do have to say that I am feeling a slight disconnect. I had lunch with friends and there were no hugs...I gave/recieved hugs all the time in Orlando so part of my heart was sad. I'm also feeling a disconnect from God. I've been so exhausted/on the road the past few days and I haven't gotten to just dive into the Word and talk to God. I need to be able to feel connected at all times (I'll blame part of this on my awful laryngitis/sinus cold - I tend to whine and be emotional when I'm sick and then I feel like I'm not honoring God as much as I should).
I had an awesome send off on Thursday with a messy cubicle, a mohawk and a sweet cake.

My cube

My entrance into by goodbye party

My cake. One of the guys I worked with decided on the words because of my rotoscoping.

God really blessed me with sweet people who cared about me and I miss them so much already. I tied up loose ends with video projects and taught my boss how to apply "remove grain" to HD JESUS Film. And my pal the flying monkey came home with me :D I didn't truly cry until I was with my family on Saturday.
Speaking of family they came on Friday and they took a tour of the J Film and were really impressed. It really is a hidden treasure of the ministry world. We went out to sushi with the Warneke's who were kind enough to let me stay with them all summer. We went to Downtown Disney to finish off the night. It was a lot of fun just to spend time with them...wandering. The next day we went for an early morning visit to the beach and to Ron Jon. I'm pretty sure the beach was my brother's favorite part of the whole day. We went to Universal Studios afterwards. It was good to finish off the summer with something touristy. :P

My brother at the beach.

The family at Universal

I was really really blessed by my time at the JESUS Film this summer. I learned so much about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, myself, loving others, and especially I learned a lot about video. I was so blessed by everyone one I had contact with and I pray that this won't be the last time I see them. I would like to thank YOU. To those who have prayed for me. To those who have supported me financially. To those who have read this and laughed with me. I thank you for joining in this journey. It's not over yet. It's just being diverted for a little while. To Ohio. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Tired thoughts

My final day is today. We are celebrating with lunch, a party, and seeing GI Joe at midnight. Today I filmed stuff for a video for my old youth group and went to a concert with Cassie, this being my last time seeing her this summer.
The video looks good....or what I filmed did. I put it on my computer tomorrow and I'll start editing it and give it to Justin next week. (I heard you read this Justin so this is me letting you know :P) I have officially finished all of my projects (they are not all finished but my part is done). I taught Mikey all the things he needs to know and hopefully all will run without a hitch while I'm gone.
As far as the concert...God blessed me. I enjoyed Closure to Moscow, their whole band was fun to watch. And here's where God was cool. I was telling Cassie how I didn't want to get crushed. The next band was Maylene and the Sons of Disaster and I heard stories of their fans. Also any band that all the members have beards and/or long hair you don't really wanna mess with their fans. Well I didn't want to die before my last day at work and I wasn't in the mood to get pushed around during that show. I, honestly, just said out loud "Oh Lord give me protection." And...for the first time ever I didn't even get touched. A guy ended up behind me, put an arm on either side of me and managed to keep any crazy fans from pushing on me (also blocking most people from touching Cassie as well). So blessed. The show was pretty good. Dallas Taylor yelled in Cassie's face then laughed at her when she turned away. I laughed as well. Emery did a great job and I love Toby, Devin, and Josh so so so much. Josh cracked me up the whole time. They played my fav song from their new CD and a few of my fav old songs, so I was pleased.
I would have pics but I left my camera in Cassie's car cuz I'm scatter brained.
That's all for now. Pics and other stuff later. I'm gonna go retrieve me camera now.

Devin (one of the vocalists for Emery and me.

Josh (the screamer for Emery) and me.