Hope Found

So many things have happened in the last month but with all those things I feel like have grown past the hurt and the pain that was trying tear its way into my heart. It's still there and will always be there because that's how Satan is. He isn't someone you can forget about cuz you think you out grew him. In those times you thing you have he comes back and attacks you in the worst way and usually through your pride. Why are we humans so easily felled by pride?
But for now and daily I shall praise God cuz in he my hope is found. So today I ready Psalm 39:7. "But now, Lord who do I look for? My hope is in you." I thought that was really sweet so I put it in a note to myself on my mac. (btw my mac was gone for a week cuz it needed repairs and that taught me a lot about how much I depended on my mac to distract myself.) Then I saw a friend of my had put Romans 5:5 and 2 Timothy 1:7 in a comment on her status when she needed to love by faith. Well I'm sure God planned that out perfectly for me because when read together they read:
"But now, Lord, who do I look for? My hope is in you. And hope does not disappoint us, because god has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
AMAZING. I feel like I need to be continuously reminded of this. And so I shall wallpaper this on my mind and heart so that all those sneaky ways that Satan Jerk tries to get in will be for not.
I just have to remember to have my hope in God and nature renews that hope as well. How is it possible to look at the blue blue sky and the orange and yellow falling down all around and not think this is a gift from God?
I feel like this is a start to a new beginning. I registered for new semester yesterday and I have a renewed hope in my heart.

My friend Christie and I and a pumpkin we won.

The beautiful fall and my friend Michelle.

Case of a Missing Identity

So recently I have been having a tough time emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That's the best "not-in-depth" explanation I can give. I just have been struggling with who I am, how to handle things, and why the amazing beautiful God that I serve loves me.
Over the course of the week I have come across some answers. One of these is pursuing something earlier I would have rather dealt with the pain and disgust than do. That is counseling. I'm blessed with a family with a very positive view of this and with friends and mentors who are in favor of this. And so with the broken bits of my identity I will go to counseling.
But counseling isn't the only answer to my missing identity. Belief in the community around me and trusting in them with where I am truly at is one part of this puzzle of putting myself back together.
The other and probably the most beautiful answer is God's word. Specifically Ephesians 6:10 - 18.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
I feel like it has been something I've read a hundred times but never truly grasped until now. This is something I need to do continually just like being continually filled with the Spirit as I go on day to day. It will be a hard fight but I will win back my identity from the lies, the brokenness, and the dark.
On my beautiful walk towards this I went on our Cru's Women's Weekend this past weekend and so many reassuring things were said about identity. One thing was Romans 3:23 - 24 being presented in a new way. We are declared acceptable to God freely by his favor through the liberation from our consequences of sin. I am acceptable. Not even good. Acceptable. But he adores me. In Psalm 139 David says that God thinks of me more often than the sand on the sea shore. I am a mere broken human with a missing identity because I have succumbed to lies yet he still thinks of me so much. That just brings joy to my broken heart.
I also got to talk over where I was at with so many women and I have such a wonderful community of fabulous women backing me. Probably the sweetest part of my weekend was my quiet time with God. I used to have this time everyday but now as school has kicked up I have forfeited it in an attempt to stay sane. But until this weekend I didn't realize how much I missed it. I read, listened to wonderful music (my worship playlist), and laid on picnic table as the breeze blew in. Just before it rained. Then I watched rain as I had read beautiful truths in Romans, Psalms, and 1 Peter.

My journal

The rain

The view from the falls.

It was a great weekend and I am so blessed. I will slowly recover my identity and I'm excited to see what God will do with me when that happens.

Me, Shanshan, and Stacey @ WW.

1st week reflections

So I've finished my first week of my Junior year. Btw that in itself blows my mind. This will be my 3rd year of college that means (if all goes as planned) I only have one year after this, 3 semesters after this one and one more internship. All of that is out of my realm of understanding.

I have several funny profs and one really nice one that I'm sure I'll enjoy. I also have one dry but funny prof and one BORING prof. Hopefully it gets better for that class. It's the basics of digital imaging...I wish it wasn't a required class. One of my profs (who is a friend of mine) just got married so I actually won't see him for a while. But all in all this semester will be a lot of work but I think it will be a very interesting one as well.

I have an apartment. My first ever. The first week I moved in it felt hotter than Florida (imagine that). But now it is in the high 60's/low 70's and that is just too cold for the end of the "Summer." I like having my own room. It's already partially a mess with my books and graphic design work but oh well.

The part of the room used for studying...hahahaha.

Coco likes his new home and his new friends.

I finally saw (500) Days of Summer. It was amazing!!!!!!! See it. Right now. You still here? Oh well. See it sometime. It's sweet and really really creative. I also saw Miyazaki's new work, Ponyo. It was cute. Like My Neighbor Totoro cute. So if you into sugary sweet goodness see it.

I am very happy to be back in the CRU community here and I have already started to carve niches out for myself. I have already made one video, organized and ran the slides, and met so many new people. My head could explode but it would be a good explosion (if that is possible). In this time being back I find that I can talk to new people a lot easier. Which is a huge blessing because I used to be so anxious about talking to new people. I'm pretty sure my summer helped me with that. I really like meeting new people and getting them plugged into community.

Even through all this God is definitely teaching me about disappointment. Cuz once again I'm forming my own plans and that dark feeling of disappointment shows up when the don't work out. So it's learning that my plans aren't all that important and that whatever happens is within God's plan and I should be happy with that.

So this week was full of lessons and readjusting and since I like lists here is my list of things for the first week.
1. Open windows + fans = rain flying into room soaking bed
2. When people walk into a room with no desk they assume you're lazy
3. English dubbing does not do justice to Miyazaki films especially when you throw in a Cyrus and a Jonas into the mix.
4. Having roommates who like to cook is a good thing.
5. Rain + flipflops = don't even try to get to class on time.
6. Video editing late into the night isn't conducive to waking up early for a 8:30 class.
7. There is a song on my ipod for every mood.
8. If staring into the sky and walking to class without running into anything was possible I would do it all the time.
9. If you don't want more responsibility don't pull off a 2.5 minute video in 3 days.
10. Some profs are serious when they tell you that their nickname is "King."

Disconnection

So I'm back in much cooler Columbia, MO. It's impressive how much a few degrees can feel infinitely cooler. I do have to say that I am feeling a slight disconnect. I had lunch with friends and there were no hugs...I gave/recieved hugs all the time in Orlando so part of my heart was sad. I'm also feeling a disconnect from God. I've been so exhausted/on the road the past few days and I haven't gotten to just dive into the Word and talk to God. I need to be able to feel connected at all times (I'll blame part of this on my awful laryngitis/sinus cold - I tend to whine and be emotional when I'm sick and then I feel like I'm not honoring God as much as I should).
I had an awesome send off on Thursday with a messy cubicle, a mohawk and a sweet cake.

My cube

My entrance into by goodbye party

My cake. One of the guys I worked with decided on the words because of my rotoscoping.

God really blessed me with sweet people who cared about me and I miss them so much already. I tied up loose ends with video projects and taught my boss how to apply "remove grain" to HD JESUS Film. And my pal the flying monkey came home with me :D I didn't truly cry until I was with my family on Saturday.
Speaking of family they came on Friday and they took a tour of the J Film and were really impressed. It really is a hidden treasure of the ministry world. We went out to sushi with the Warneke's who were kind enough to let me stay with them all summer. We went to Downtown Disney to finish off the night. It was a lot of fun just to spend time with them...wandering. The next day we went for an early morning visit to the beach and to Ron Jon. I'm pretty sure the beach was my brother's favorite part of the whole day. We went to Universal Studios afterwards. It was good to finish off the summer with something touristy. :P

My brother at the beach.

The family at Universal

I was really really blessed by my time at the JESUS Film this summer. I learned so much about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, myself, loving others, and especially I learned a lot about video. I was so blessed by everyone one I had contact with and I pray that this won't be the last time I see them. I would like to thank YOU. To those who have prayed for me. To those who have supported me financially. To those who have read this and laughed with me. I thank you for joining in this journey. It's not over yet. It's just being diverted for a little while. To Ohio. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Tired thoughts

My final day is today. We are celebrating with lunch, a party, and seeing GI Joe at midnight. Today I filmed stuff for a video for my old youth group and went to a concert with Cassie, this being my last time seeing her this summer.
The video looks good....or what I filmed did. I put it on my computer tomorrow and I'll start editing it and give it to Justin next week. (I heard you read this Justin so this is me letting you know :P) I have officially finished all of my projects (they are not all finished but my part is done). I taught Mikey all the things he needs to know and hopefully all will run without a hitch while I'm gone.
As far as the concert...God blessed me. I enjoyed Closure to Moscow, their whole band was fun to watch. And here's where God was cool. I was telling Cassie how I didn't want to get crushed. The next band was Maylene and the Sons of Disaster and I heard stories of their fans. Also any band that all the members have beards and/or long hair you don't really wanna mess with their fans. Well I didn't want to die before my last day at work and I wasn't in the mood to get pushed around during that show. I, honestly, just said out loud "Oh Lord give me protection." And...for the first time ever I didn't even get touched. A guy ended up behind me, put an arm on either side of me and managed to keep any crazy fans from pushing on me (also blocking most people from touching Cassie as well). So blessed. The show was pretty good. Dallas Taylor yelled in Cassie's face then laughed at her when she turned away. I laughed as well. Emery did a great job and I love Toby, Devin, and Josh so so so much. Josh cracked me up the whole time. They played my fav song from their new CD and a few of my fav old songs, so I was pleased.
I would have pics but I left my camera in Cassie's car cuz I'm scatter brained.
That's all for now. Pics and other stuff later. I'm gonna go retrieve me camera now.

Devin (one of the vocalists for Emery and me.

Josh (the screamer for Emery) and me.

No Coincidences

1 week. This isn't a countdown but yet it's true. A week from this very moment my internship with the JESUS Film will be over. I've been removing grain from the Hi-Def version of the JFilm. It is a SLOOOOOOOW process because Mac + Adobe AfterEffects = slowest rendering time imaginable. In the words of Ryan Reynolds' character in The Proposal "Congratulations, I'm 100." I am also editing footage from a trip Mikey went on to Bolivia around the same time I did. 4 hours of footage put into a 30 min and a 10 min video. My rough cut chopped it down to 47 minutes(took me multiple days to do so but still). It definitely makes me long for Santa Cruz...a lot. There's a shot in the city center and I knew exactly where things were in location to it. I really want to return there some day.
Mikey gave me this project (a) so I didn't run out of stuff to do while he was on vacation and (b) because he knew I had been to Bolivia. Not a coincidence.
But are there really such things a coincidences?
I don't think so. I think when our eyes are truly open it is God revealing something about ourselves or something about his nature to us. God revealed one more thing which I think he wants me to realize before I leave here. He's opened my eyes to several things, 1st was Luke 12:25 - 26 then it was John 10:10. Now it's Jeremiah 1:5.
"'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'"
God is talking to Jeremiah here, when he's first called to prophecy. Jeremiah tries to come back saying he is too young and God essentially tells him to shut up. I like the nice Godly nice way Jeremiah puts it but still...I'm pretty sure God was telling him to shut his mouth for a second. He follows that with verse 8 saying "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you." Ok. How many times has God told me this? Do not be afraid. Do not be anxious. And yet, I try to weasel my way back into my shell in my dark corner using excuses like I don't know how to speak well. (I haven't learned from Jeremiah or Moses apparently.) God always interrupts Jeremiah and Moses when they said those things and he does the same for me. But I'm thick headed. I keep up with my excuses. But why? God is with me. He will rescue me. He's a BIG God. And we may be small and insignificant but he cherishes us. He knows us...I'll get to this in a second.
Back to Jeremiah. After God telling him that he is with him and will rescue him he does something outrageous. Ridiculous even. He touches Jeremiah's lips. God TOUCHED his lips. Then said "Now, I have put my words in your mouth." Whoa. I want God to touch my lips. And it could happen but for now I have to lean on the Spirit.
So, I heard this story...and specifically Jeremiah 1:5 twice. In one day. No coincidences. God is trying to make sure that even though I write how he delights in me that I realize that he really does. He knew me before I was even formed. KNEW me. I don't even truly know me. We are a mist, a vapor, and yet... he knows us. And has set us apart. Apart from the world. For his works. He says later in Jeremiah 29:11 '"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He's serious when he says he set us apart.
But wait (you say - in my head-) God is talking to Jeremiah... not me specifically.
Well back to how I heard this marvelous verse. I first Jeremiah 1:5 - 10 from Francis Chan, who put it really well in his book Crazy Love that I will botch up. Essentially he said that not only does God know us but he has set us apart to be a prophet to the nations. And this wasn't just for Jeremiah. It's for us too. There are so many nations in need and we are to go to them. Then I heard the verse again at Cassie's church's high school service, TNT. The youth guy mentioned this part specifically as well saying that nations doesn't just mean to travel all over the world. That nations can be our families... our schools. And we (not just Jeremiah) are called to them. Set apart for them.
So God is talking to me and you (whoever you are reading this.)
No coincidences. God wants my heart on this verse before and as I leave Orlando. I am known. I am set apart. And I am appointed. And that realization of that is just so sweet.

Mist

James 4: 14
"Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."
My favorite part of this is the God-like way 'What is your life?' is asked. I have been learning this summer that God really is, you know, God. He's big. He's powerful. And he delights in me. Weird. I read this verse last Saturday (so a week ago) and being compared to mist hit me. We are only on this Earth a little while and then we vanish. At least in God's eyes that's what we're like. Yet he cherishes each and everyone of us. What is up with that? The verse, to me, goes hand and hand with Luke 12:25 - 26 when Jesus asks why are we anxious when we can't do such a small thing like add an hour to our life. Add an hour? A small thing? Who is this guy that can say this? Then I realize through all my thick headedness that he is that same God mentioned in James that says I'm mist yet also says how much he loves me.
My Luke 12:25 - 26 revelation was all in front of my computer watching Brian Deacon (He plays Jesus in the JESUS Film) repeat these verses. Not only is this my favorite scene (the lighting is great in this shot - one of the rare ones) but just those words. Even though it's human Brian Deacon saying them I can just imagine the real Jesus giving me a similar look and asking me: Why be anxious? What is your life?
Now all of this has hit extreme relevance in my life. Right now. Why? Cuz my internship ends in less than 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! I feel as if I started a new chapter in a new place and I have to return to the old place. I feel my throat tighten and my heart drop into my stomach when I think about leaving. It doesn't help that I have been living on my own, creating a lifestyle for myself, for the last several weeks while I've been house sitting. I guess mostly it's my want to not uproot my life (once again) and just be settled for once but what fun would that be? I must put a bookmark in this chapter of my life to return to later. I pray, earnestly, that I return. And I know even if I don't return to work here I will return to visit.
There have been many kidnapping plans. I won't spoil them because I think several will be tried in less than 2 weeks time. (hint there's milk cartons, duct tape, and a meal once a week involved.)
This week is CSU, so mostly everyone is gone which means we get to have parties. We had a lunar landing party and today we had a field day party. We had to wear shirts or jerseys of our alma mater or fav team. And shocking enough the Ohio/Michigan rivalry found itself down here. 3 of us wore Ohio based shirts and 2 wore Michigan shirts. (One of the IT guys was passing out Michigan shirts and hats to all he could :P) It was hot but it was fun just to stand outside.

JESUS Film Field Day Group

Playing cornhole in the Quad.

Ohio Reps. That and we matched.

I don't really pick sides. Shaking Michigan color pompoms.

Earlier this week I took an excursion to Downtown Disney just for fun. I took silly pictures, ate really good fish and chips, and saw Public Enemies (Wasn't that great. The cinematography was distracting. Depp and Cotillard were great, though.) I'm not going to Disney World while I'm here so I took a picture with me and some "princesses" for a friend of mine. Some parents looked very concerned as I wandered around grabbing princess dolls.

Me and the Princesses...for some reason I could only find "baby" Ariel and Jasmine. Odd.

My most photogenic new friend.

I may be sad that I only have 2 weeks left but I will finish them out with joy because I'm sure God has something great planned with them.